Speechless


 

Warning: The following post is fueled by pure rage and therefore may contain some grammatical errors and misplaced punctuations. I apologize in advance.


Today my co-worker said, “Foreign f@!#. She needs to get smacked by her
husband.”tumblr_lfml23eiNE1qa1tl9o1_250

 


I have no words to describe the anger that rushed over me the instant I heard that said aloud. I was so angry I was shaking and the only words out of my mouth were “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

It doesn’t matter what situation brought on that disgraceful speech.

 

To make matters worse, which at the time I did not know was possible, in seeing my amazement and disgust with the filth that just evacuated his face hole… he tried to pass it off as a joke and that I was too sensitive to understand. He said “You have to get thicker skin. This is the culture we are in with this industry, and people will make jokes like that all the time. Welcome to logistics.”

I give zero shits about the industry I work in and/or a person’s sense of humor. At no point is it acceptable to suggest that a woman needs to be beaten by her husband to teach her a lesson. AT NO POINT IS THAT OKAY!

He has a daughter. This pathetic burlap sack of testosterone and rotting teeth…. This shitastic sub-human craptrocity that even Gandhi would slap…. This Neo-Nazi trapped in an elephant’s body has a daughter?!tumblr_lbvabxXijT1qbi71b

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Man of the House

What does it mean to be the Man of the House? I ask because I am currently listening to my boss having a very loud conversation about being the Man of the House and what that means to him. He is using phrases like “I don’t care what your wife says” and “I was raised on the bible”. So to him it would seem that being the Man of the House means that the Lord Jesus Christ gave his almighty powers of male dominance for him to enforce the law upon all lesser creatures in his life. These lesser creatures include, but are not limited to, women, anyone younger than him, the impoverished, anyone of a different race, the entire LGBT community, all other religions, Obama (any democrat for that matter), and anyone with a different opinion than his own.

This is exactly the sort of speech one would expect to hear from a petulant child throwing a tantrum. He is ignoring the woman who disagrees with him and won’t give him the answer that he wants. Instead he turns to the male option and pressures them by trying to show them how a real man would handle their women. His version of a “real man” would never have “women.” He may find GIRLS willing to put up with his bull shit, but after about 5 minutes of him whining about not getting his way they will leave. He is the man of his house because there are no women. They have all run away and fled the scene so as to avoid contact with him.

He defines being a man by having women do what he says. Every day his wife picks out his clothes for the next day, irons them, and packs him a lunch. The last time that was done for me I was 5 (and even then I could dress myself).

I define being a man by being capable of choosing your own wardrobe and packing your own lunch. A man should be thoughtful and kind and should recognize that those are qualities that show strength and not weakness. It is so much more difficult to be kind and it requires a level of maturity that some people (men and women) never reach.

Any child can throw a tantrum. It takes an adult to have a discussion, and an adult to recognize the difference.

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The English Language

The word “niche” is pronounced NEE-SH not NI-TCH. I know that makes me sound like a snob, but there are so many things about the English language that people repeatedly and intentionally mistake. I understand if it’s due to a lack of exposure to the correct pronunciation. That is a very common issue and one I have complete sympathy for. I am not the most cultured person in the world and I’m sure I misuse and even misinterpret words all the time. The difference is that once I realize that I’ve made the mistake, I change it. Here are a few other words that are either mispronounced, misused, or are not actual words.

  • Orientate – “I have orientate myself to the idea of speaking English properly.”
    • Orientate is not a word. The correct word is orient. This one bothers me because it is used (or rather misused) in professional settings all the time. People one is supposed to respect and learn from will say orientate and I can’t stand it. I would like to add that though orientate can be found online as a real word, this is the result of it being so terribly misused for years that oxford simply gave up and conceded to the stubborn stupidity of the general population.
  • Acks – “Let me acks you a question.”
    • No you may not acks me anything. If you would like to ask me something, by all means please do, but your first question should be “How do I pronounce the work ask?”
  • Nah – “Have you seen Jimmy yet today?” “Nah
    • At what point did nah replace no. When saying nah, you are left at the end of your statement with your mouth gaping open looking like you just had major dental surgery and you can’t physically contract your jaw. No is far more decisive and is also an actual word.
  • Inneresting – “I find it very inneresting that you don’t understand what I’m trying to say.”
    • This is a simple case of having a lazy mouth. You have all of the syllables, and you’re obviously in a conversation that requires thought. All you have to do is pronounce that sharp ‘t’ sound to make your point interesting, as opposed to distracting.

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I would now like to add some fun words to your vocabulary that will impress (or alienate) your peers.

  • Jargon – special words or expressions that are used by a particular profession or group and are difficult for others to understand; “It’s important to understand the particular jargon of the business where you work.”
    • I love using this term. It’s not very common, but also recognizable enough that people know what I’m trying to convey. No matter what profession one is trying to learn, using the term jargon always makes it sound fancy.
  • Pontificate – express one’s opinions in a way considered annoyingly pompous and dogmatic; “The principal of the school will often pontificate over the loud speaker about his many accomplishments as a young student.”
    • I find that this term is incredibly useful in a few ways. First, the person who is pontificating usually is not as well read as they would like people to think, and therefore often does not know the meaning of pontificate. Second, they usually use many, if not all, of the words on my previous list, and therefore I find more pleasure in using such terms to describe them.
  • Dodecahedron – a three-dimensional shape having twelve plane faces, in particular a regular solid figure with twelve equal pentagonal faces.
    • I know that this is not a word that many people would have the fortune to come across, but I find that ,as impractical it is to use in a sentence, I love that I have it as part of my vernacular. I also love saying nonagon; a nine sided polygon; equal in both tonal and verbal quality.

Again, these are words that one should be aware of, either to avoid, or to embrace. I’m not writing this to be annoying or snobby. I am genuinely concerned about future generations who are being taught by idiots.

Lady How to: Getting over a break-up

Whether it was a month, 5 months, or five years, all relationships have an effect on you. They change your perspective no matter what and will alter how you react to all future romantic situations going forward. As someone who has struggled (for years) with getting over relationships, I have a few tips that might help.

  1. If it’s over, then let it be over. Do not go back. EVER. This usually happens with relationships that were long and intense. It is my firm belief that once a relationship ends, it is nearly impossible to try and repair it. The result will be a worse relationship that is comprised of the tattered remains of the previous relationship.
  2. Don’t remain friends for at least a year. You cannot be friends with someone you were in a relationship with right away. All that will happen is you’ll try really hard to not picture them naked and will fail miserably. Also, friends talk to each other, and you should not talk to them about your new single life. They will pretend to listen and will slowly be dying inside and becoming more and more bitter until it’s their turn to talk. Then you’ll be sorry you ever shared that personal information, because now they are telling you all about this other person. You can try not to compare yourself to this new person, but you will fail. Now you’re both upset and can no longer enjoy your meal.
  3. Take up a new hobby. It is likely that when you were together you did everything as a unit. Now that you are single, you still have the same interests and therefore everything you do reminds you of them. Additionally, since you always used to do the same things, you’ll try and maintain your previous hobbies and instead you’ll be entirely too distracted to even try an enjoy yourself. You will go to the weekly meet-up and dress as if its laundry day and all you had to wear was your best outfit. Your face will be a mix of nervous anxiety as your eyes dash around every time someone makes a noise or a door opens and being overly calm and you try desperately to look your best from every angle just in case they are watching. The best thing to do is try a new sport, or pick up pottery making. Anything that keeps you occupied, while also avoiding the familiar.
  4. Distance yourself from friends with a bipartisan opinion of the relationship. I don’t mean that you have to get rid of all mutual acquaintances, but it would be wise to limit your visits with mutual friends to once every two weeks (max). They will only remind you of good times that were had when your life wasn’t in shambles. You also will have more to talk about if you space out your visits so as not to realize that the basis of your entire friendship was that relationship.
  5. Don’t date until you are ready to date. Just because you are now single, doesn’t mean you have to immediately jump into the dating game again. All you’re going to do is go on a bunch of impulse or pity dates that you don’t enjoy and compare them to the newly ended relationship. Of course they aren’t going to get the inside joke you had about the creep Wednesday night bartender, and it’s not fair to anyone involved to expect as much. Many people will encourage you to “get out there” and “meet new people”. These are terrible ideas given to you by people who are either in a committed relationship, or who are similarly miserable and want nothing more than to make themselves feel validated by reviling in your misery.

These are simply tips based on my observations, but for your own safety I recommend giving some serious thought to the above information.

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The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

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Dear Employer

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Dear Employer,

Thank you for allowing me to work 14 hours every day for a minimal salary that does not account for overtime. I really love the way you make me feel appreciated when I work at 3am by calling me at 7am and promptly yelling at me. I particularly enjoy spending what few hours I have to myself in the morning listening to you degrade me and my work simply because I am female. I would also like to mention how much I want to work over the weekend and how great it is that you wait until 6pm on Friday to mention to me that I do so.

If I may make a suggestion, don’t worry about treating me like a human being who would like to enjoy what is left of their summer with people they actually enjoy being around, and certainly don’t worry about any plans or classes I may have that I’ve spent money on. I can tell through your lack of communication that you are concerned about that aspect of my life, and I wouldn’t want you to have to go out of your way to have any sort of sympathy or compassion for someone as lowly as I.

I understand that as a female in the workplace my position is that of a brainless, spineless, robot and I cannot possibly understand how hard you work every day on the golf course. My lady hands could not possible handle the arduous task of enjoying such a game and I understand that it is a real chore for you. I only hope that my smaller that average brain and feminine sensibilities do not disrupt the workplace. I will work harder to improve myself and aspire to think and act more like a man.

Sincerely,

The Only Employee You Have with a College Degreefeminist-killjoygiphy

The perfect outfit for repulsing men Part 2

Anything that makes you look like a capable and intelligent woman.

Men hate that.

In all seriousness, I have found that wearing a shirt with a collar is fine, but when combined with boots and a car with 4 wheel drive, I might as well be an anomaly that must be studied with limited interaction so as not to disturb the delicate balance of both feminine and masculine characteristics. As we all know this is a naturally unstable and volatile mixture that can explode resulting in a wide array of terrifying creations.

Yes, I go hiking, fishing, and lift heavy things. Yes, I like my pants to have functional pockets. Yes, if I were a man my dick would definitely be bigger than yours. Seems like the obvious conclusion. No reason to feel threatened.