Lady How to: Crying (know your audience)

There are many different types of crying. I am a disgusting cry-er. Just bad. It can only be described as the perfect mixture of mucus and salt water with the occasional auditory sensation that is my heaving and sniffling. I have suffered with this situation for my entire life. I then became an adolescent female, which adds the heinous crime of my crying to the light of day for all to see. It was at this stage that I learned the art of knowing my audience and using the different types of crying to my advantage. (Honestly I’m still working on it)

crying

  1. Silent Sob – This can go one of two ways. The way I do it is to hold my breath to I don’t make the horrendous noises that I normally would. This results in a very red face which is quite counterproductive. The proper way to do this is shallow breathing so you are still breathing while also not making noise
    1. Result – If used properly you give the impression of the strong silent type. Show vulnerability without complete weakness.
  2. Whimpering – An excellent tactic when in the beginning stages of a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It gets the point across while also not messing up your face for the whole night.
    1. Result – You avoid the argument that probably would have ended in failure for both parties involved and have the added benefit not being told why you were wrong. Plus you still look mildly attractive for make-up sex later.
  3. The Single Tear – This is the almighty tool of the woman. It is difficult to perfect. At first you have to practice with situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as it can be difficult. Once you’ve mastered this level you can move on to more emotional situations.
    1. Result – Perfect for dramatic effect and no matter the situation you will look like the stoic hero. A word of caution though, if you use it too often the effect will decrease until you are seen as callous or even cold.
  4. Bawling – The ultimate in crying. This is the inborn cry that all women have. You are a disgusting mess, your face is read, and no words that you think you’re saying are actually coming out as English. It is only appropriate to use this when in actual pain or when something happened that should because you pain but instead you are just furious.
    1. Result – This is a great way to get people to leave you alone. If that is what you want than this is the type of crying for you.

new-girl-crying-gif

That’s my list. If you have more types of crying to add please do. These are just a few of my favorites.

Lady How To: The Boob Itch

This is an in-depth look into the different ways to itch your favorite ladies.

  1. The Shimmy
    1. This move is mostly in the shoulders. It starts with a subtle shoulder shake to find exactly where the itch is hiding. Once located shimmy more violently until the collision of your ladies is enough to take care of that pestering itch.
  2. The Big Squeeze
    1. This itch involves the arms squishing the boobs together. If done correctly it looks like your simply stretching your shoulders. If done improperly you look like you’re squishing your boobs together in some sort of odd mating ritual.
  3. The Brush Up
    1. This is used for those itches located at the front of your chest. It’s a movement similar to a disco dance move, but with the limp hand of someone truly disinterested. Unlike the aforementioned disco move, do not do this repeatedly as it will certainly draw attention, which defeats the purpose.
  4. Just Go for It
    1. Pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes you just have to scratch that itch. It’s not the most lady-like option, but who cares. There is no at work you need to impress, plus you walked out of the door without eyeliner today so obviously you set the bar low.

Conundrum of Enviromental Conciousness

As someone who actively tries to live sustainably and reduce my carbon foot print (even though I just bought a car…) I find I increasingly hate recycling.

Recycling does have some benefits of reducing waste and reusing old materials for new purposes, however I know too much. For instance I know that the amount of recycled material that can actually be used is almost too small to benefit the planet as the amount of industry it takes to produce these materials is astounding. Trucks to move the material, buildings and machines that run on nonrenewable resources and what to do with all the material we put in recycling that cannot actually be recycled. There is a whole process for that as well. Most of what we think we recycle goes right where we didn’t want it to go in the first place.

The other negative is that people think that just because they are recycling, they are doing enough and therefore do not have to add any other environmental practices to their life. This is a falsehood and a security blanket that people use all too often.

Therefore I find I no longer like recycling. I will still do it, but I will do so with the knowledge of the facade.