TV is to my life as Relationships are to normal people…

Most people define their life into relationships. For Instance:

“I remember my first kiss. It was (insert dorky name). We didn’t know what we were doing, but my heart still skipped a beat.”

Or

“Oh yeah. In high school I was with (insert name), but then once I hit the middle of college I moved on and met (insert name of more attractive person).”

My life, however, is defined by TV shows.

“I used to be far more into The Simpsons, but after the middle seasons I kinda moved on.”

“I remember my first marathon. It was Stargate SG-1. I didn’t know what I was doing and before I knew it, the sun had come out.”

“Oh yeah. In high school I was into Teal’c, but then in college I moved on to Jason Momoa.”

“I’ve just started watching The Arrow, and I’m never going back!”

“I’m completely committed to Game of Thrones, but sometimes I just can’t handle the way the day always ends so up in the air… Is there something I’m not getting?”

This also related to the level of commitment I’m ready for.

For instance, the show Lost. That was never going to work. I mean I have school and friends to be around and I just can’t have the emotional baggage hanging around me constantly. Plus the time commitment along with the amount of time it takes to figure out what the hell is happening and what will happen the following week. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Lady How to: Text Fighting

Just don’t

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First off, anything you say is going to make you sound like an unsympathetic bitch. It doesn’t matter how much you are validated in your argument or how hurt you are. You are the enemy.

The only exception to the rule is this text:

“It’s Over.”

Lady How To: Driving

No matter what, any time I demonstrate good driving techniques it goes completely unnoticed. When, however, I miss something or make a mistake, people stare into the car and upon seeing me they get this look on their face that says,” of course it’s a woman driver… typical.”

I find myself doing this as well. I’ll driver behind dozens of women and men and of all races, but the instant I’m behind some slow or irrational driver and it’s an old Asian woman I’m like, “of course it’s an old Asian woman. Way to fit the stereotype.”

Also, when I do make a mistake or piss someone off, my defense mechanism is the Beauty Pageant Smile and Wave. I pretend like them honking and flailing in my general direction is some sort of compliment and I am obliged (as a courteous and respectful woman) to accept the compliment wholly.

The perfect outfit for repulsing men

This is what I was wearing today, and I realized halfway through the day that it was not an outfit that would lend itself to dating.

Picture this: Pleated Charcoal Trousers, Blue Plaid Button up shirt, simple pony tail and my big nerd glasses.

Plus I ordered Panera and drive a Subaru…

I either look like a mom who started the day with a nice blouse and ended with baby spit-up on the nice shirt so I threw the old plaid shirt over it.

OR

I look like a lesbian who tried to class up the regular plaid shirt with the pleated trousers… and failed.

Either way, not good for flirting with guys

Movies that are my Life: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

scott-pilgrim-vs-the-world

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is one of my favorite and most quoted movies. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that a day rarely goes by that I don’t quote or mention this movie. Many people in my life don’t know when I’m making the references, but it’s a daily occurrence. Here are some of the things I say on the daily.

  1. When someone questions my fashion choices.
    1. “Pirates are in this year”
  2. How I recognize a new hair style.
    1. “You know your hair?”
      1. “I know of it.”
  3. How I feel about all of my favorite foods.
    1. “Garlic bread is my favorite food. I could honestly eat for like every meal. Breakfast Lunch and Dinner.”
      1. “You’d get fat.”
    2. “No, why would I get fat?”
      1. “Bread makes you fat.”
    3. “BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?!”
  4. Excuse to get out of an awkward situation.
    1. “I just love me some walking…Putting one leg in front of the other like this. Walking.
  5. I know someone who knows someone who knows someone.
    1. “He had snot in his nose? But he’s famous.”
  6. My attitude towards skateboards.
    1. “Can you do a thingy on that rail?”
      1. “It’s called a grind bro”
    2. “So can you do a grindy thingy…now”
  7. When talking about love and things…
    1. “Break out the L-Word.”
      1. “Lesbian?”
    2. “The other L-Word”
      1. “Lesbians…?”
  8. Any time the word tongue is said out loud.
    1. “So this is a date?”
      1. “Slip of the tongue.”
    2. “…Tongue.”
  9. Seriously… don’t punch me in the boob.
    1. “You punched me in the boob! Prepare to die, OBVIOUSLY!”
  10. AHHH Double negative hurts my brain things…
    1. “Scott, just because Envy’s back in town doesn’t make it not over.”
      1. “Double negative… Tricky…”
  11. Brain Fart to the MAX.
    1. “How old is she?”
      1. “Uhhh….I gotta pee on her…(run away)”
  12. When a friend get s anew job that requires a more conservative look.
    1. “He punched the highlights out of her hair!”
  13. When another driver cuts me off on my way to work.
    1. “THAT”S IT!!! YOU COCKY COCK!!!”
  14. Spotting someone with the same outfit.
    1. “I dislike you. Kapeesh.”
  15. All Failed comebacks.
    1. “The cleaning lady she cleans up… dust… she dusts.”
  16. Trying to eat healthy.
    1. “Gelato isn’t vegan?”
      1. “It’s milk and eggs bitch.”
  17. My attitude towards all fights.
    1. “I don’t think I can hit a girl… They’re soft.”
  18. After every break up.
    1. “We are Sex Bob Om and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!”
  1. Trying to avoid the aforementioned break-up.
    1. “I’m in lesbians with you”
  2. Talking about the aforementioned break-up (but about a guy).
    1. “I mean did you really see a future with this girl?”
      1. “Like… with jetpacks”
  3. When my Gmail account forgets who I am.
    1. “Password.”
      1. “Ugh…whatever.”
    2. “…Cool”
  4. If I’m forced to listen to regular pop music.
    1. “We are Sex Bob Om. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff.”
  5. When people assign me a nickname.
    1. “Young Neil you have learned well. From this point forward you will be called NEIILLLL.”
  6. Running late for work? I think NOT!
    1. “We are sex Bob Om and we are here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in!”
  7. I dislike being startled.
    1. “You made me swallow my gum…”
  8. When an ex thinks they still have a say in my life.
    1. “Yeah… Still my girl.”
      1. “Let’s both be girls.”

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)

The OKC Experiments: The Almost Date

Hypothesis: If a guy calls and texts and is genuinely interested in you than he will not flake out on your first date.

Control: The amount of care I take in my responses and my looks for the date.

                            Translation: I shaved my legs all the way up…

Independent: His responses and the sudden sickness that befell him.

Result: It’s the day of the date and we haven’t spoken for a whole day before. That’s alright since I was busy and so is he probably. Day of the date I amp up the cuteness by asking where he is going to take me. This results in nothing. Not a single text. Now it’s 4pm. I’ve bathed and shaved my legs all the way up. I used the new Lush Brand soap that I just bought, and still nothing. Finally its 5pm and I get the text “I’m Sick.” That’s when I know he just flaked out on me. He weighed his options for the day and decided that seeing me was not a thing he wanted to happen. After all of that pestering and bothering about meeting and finding me on Facebook and getting my number. NOTHING.

Conclusion: I have no idea what motivates men anymore. I thought I knew and I just don’t.

Lady How to: Crying (know your audience)

There are many different types of crying. I am a disgusting cry-er. Just bad. It can only be described as the perfect mixture of mucus and salt water with the occasional auditory sensation that is my heaving and sniffling. I have suffered with this situation for my entire life. I then became an adolescent female, which adds the heinous crime of my crying to the light of day for all to see. It was at this stage that I learned the art of knowing my audience and using the different types of crying to my advantage. (Honestly I’m still working on it)

crying

  1. Silent Sob – This can go one of two ways. The way I do it is to hold my breath to I don’t make the horrendous noises that I normally would. This results in a very red face which is quite counterproductive. The proper way to do this is shallow breathing so you are still breathing while also not making noise
    1. Result – If used properly you give the impression of the strong silent type. Show vulnerability without complete weakness.
  2. Whimpering – An excellent tactic when in the beginning stages of a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It gets the point across while also not messing up your face for the whole night.
    1. Result – You avoid the argument that probably would have ended in failure for both parties involved and have the added benefit not being told why you were wrong. Plus you still look mildly attractive for make-up sex later.
  3. The Single Tear – This is the almighty tool of the woman. It is difficult to perfect. At first you have to practice with situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as it can be difficult. Once you’ve mastered this level you can move on to more emotional situations.
    1. Result – Perfect for dramatic effect and no matter the situation you will look like the stoic hero. A word of caution though, if you use it too often the effect will decrease until you are seen as callous or even cold.
  4. Bawling – The ultimate in crying. This is the inborn cry that all women have. You are a disgusting mess, your face is read, and no words that you think you’re saying are actually coming out as English. It is only appropriate to use this when in actual pain or when something happened that should because you pain but instead you are just furious.
    1. Result – This is a great way to get people to leave you alone. If that is what you want than this is the type of crying for you.

new-girl-crying-gif

That’s my list. If you have more types of crying to add please do. These are just a few of my favorites.