Dear Employer,

Thank you for allowing me to work 14 hours every day for a minimal salary that does not account for overtime. I really love the way you make me feel appreciated when I work at 3am by calling me at 7am and promptly yelling at me. I particularly enjoy spending what few hours I have to myself in the morning listening to you degrade me and my work simply because I am female. I would also like to mention how much I want to work over the weekend and how great it is that you wait until 6pm on Friday to mention to me that I do so.

If I may make a suggestion, don’t worry about treating me like a human being who would like to enjoy what is left of their summer with people they actually enjoy being around, and certainly don’t worry about any plans or classes I may have that I’ve spent money on. I can tell through your lack of communication that you are concerned about that aspect of my life, and I wouldn’t want you to have to go out of your way to have any sort of sympathy or compassion for someone as lowly as I.

I understand that as a female in the workplace my position is that of a brainless, spineless, robot and I cannot possibly understand how hard you work every day on the golf course. My lady hands could not possible handle the arduous task of enjoying such a game and I understand that it is a real chore for you. I only hope that my smaller that average brain and feminine sensibilities do not disrupt the workplace. I will work harder to improve myself and aspire to think and act more like a man.

Sincerely,

The Only Employee You Have with a College Degree