Speechless


 

Warning: The following post is fueled by pure rage and therefore may contain some grammatical errors and misplaced punctuations. I apologize in advance.


Today my co-worker said, “Foreign f@!#. She needs to get smacked by her
husband.”tumblr_lfml23eiNE1qa1tl9o1_250

 


I have no words to describe the anger that rushed over me the instant I heard that said aloud. I was so angry I was shaking and the only words out of my mouth were “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

It doesn’t matter what situation brought on that disgraceful speech.

 

To make matters worse, which at the time I did not know was possible, in seeing my amazement and disgust with the filth that just evacuated his face hole… he tried to pass it off as a joke and that I was too sensitive to understand. He said “You have to get thicker skin. This is the culture we are in with this industry, and people will make jokes like that all the time. Welcome to logistics.”

I give zero shits about the industry I work in and/or a person’s sense of humor. At no point is it acceptable to suggest that a woman needs to be beaten by her husband to teach her a lesson. AT NO POINT IS THAT OKAY!

He has a daughter. This pathetic burlap sack of testosterone and rotting teeth…. This shitastic sub-human craptrocity that even Gandhi would slap…. This Neo-Nazi trapped in an elephant’s body has a daughter?!tumblr_lbvabxXijT1qbi71b

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Attempting Sober Day 2

Well that was not the most convincing display of sobriety I’ve ever produced. My failure mostly lies in wanting to impress the family of my boyfriend (let’s call him . . . Hanz). It was a gathering of hip young people with tattoos and lip piercings drinking IPAs and pretending to enjoy them. It was the sort of group where one’s standing was determined by the size of your beard or the obscurity of your record collection; certainly not the sort of group to be impressed by a newly reformed alcoholic with no grand and telling story of their struggles through life with alcohol.

I tried the “only-water” technique, and noticed I was quickly being ostracized as The Non-Drinker of the group. There were no soda options either that could mask my sobriety. So I chose the socially acceptable option of grabbing a beer and holding onto it taking small sips so as to not feel any effect. I even drank lite beer so it was less tasty and therefore I would be less likely to drink it.

Why did I feel embarrassed to not be drinking? And why did I let those feelings push me to drink, even for a second?

On a more positive note, I did take all of the alcohol in my house and dump it out; 13 beers and ¼ of a bottle of rum (but who’s counting). It was actually therapeutic in a stressful kind of way. I felt, to a lesser extent, like a hoarder who was being forced to choose between their beloved collections of used up napkins and their family. The beer and rum smelled great and I didn’t realize it then, but I was holding my breath the entire time is went down the drain. With that in mind it would seem that the choice to stop drinking is a good one for me. We shall see how Hanz handles this change… To be continued

Attempting Sober Day 1

No one believes me. 

The first person I told was my dad.  He laughed.
“I’m going to stop drinking.”



Is that really a ridiculous question worth laughing at or is it the concept of me not drinking that moves people to laughter? I suppose the fact that on the first day of this adventure I happen to be quite hung-over may cause some people to doubt my resolve, which us understandable. At the height of my drinking I could drink half a bottle of vodka on my own in one night.  I could drink a bottle of wine and then get up to get another (by myself). I have since stopped drinking that much (and never alone), but it’s not enough. When I do drink, I don’t stop.  I don’t drink because I like the taste.  I don’t drink because I have social anxiety.  I drink to get drunk and I do it often.  I think it makes me funnier or more attractive, but what it really does is it takes away the impulse not to say or do the things in my head.

My father once described his alcoholism like this. “I never did anything when I was drunk that I was proud of the next day.” That is the truest statement about drinking I have ever heard.  I drink and suddenly men are all attractive, and my ex needs an immediate update on my emotional stability (via text). It’s a neurotoxin and it affects every aspect of my life.  I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man and I’ve realized that our relationship is based on drinking. We met over drinks and drink every time we hang out.  I have already forgotten many dates and wake up at his place with no memory of how I got there.  He is a wonderful man, but he doesn’t know me.  Not really.  He knows the version of me that is drunk and outgoing and flirty.  When I’m not drunk I’m not very affectionate, and I feel guilty about that, so I drink to feel emotions for him when really I have no more emotions to give.  I spent them all on my last heartbreak and I have no idea how to get them back.  Therefore this endeavor to end my drinking will most likely include the end of this relationship, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I’m tired of waking up with no memory of the night before.
I’m tired of hangovers.
I’m tired of hating myself the next day when I do remember the night’s events.
I’m tired of spending my paychecks in the liquor aisle.
I’m tired of risking my life when I drive home.
I’m tired of skipping meals so I have calories for going out.


So now, on the lighter side, I will now begin chronicling my new life without drinking. The above points are the things I hate about my drinking.  It is my goal to eliminate ever one of them from my life.  It will not be easy or fun, but it will be better.

Tonight I am going out with my boyfriend to meet his sister who lives in Chicago. It is the first of many challenges I will face on this journey, but certainly not the toughest.  As I mentioned before I am quite hung-over and the thought of drinking (or opening my eyes for that matter) is simply nauseating.  It will, however, be an experiment in how people react to me not drinking.  I am supposed to be making new friends and impressing my boyfriend’s family.  This is a difficult task even when smoothed over by alcohol, so now with it just being me; we shall see how it goes.

Wish me luck. To be continued…

 

Lady How to: Getting over a break-up

Whether it was a month, 5 months, or five years, all relationships have an effect on you. They change your perspective no matter what and will alter how you react to all future romantic situations going forward. As someone who has struggled (for years) with getting over relationships, I have a few tips that might help.

  1. If it’s over, then let it be over. Do not go back. EVER. This usually happens with relationships that were long and intense. It is my firm belief that once a relationship ends, it is nearly impossible to try and repair it. The result will be a worse relationship that is comprised of the tattered remains of the previous relationship.
  2. Don’t remain friends for at least a year. You cannot be friends with someone you were in a relationship with right away. All that will happen is you’ll try really hard to not picture them naked and will fail miserably. Also, friends talk to each other, and you should not talk to them about your new single life. They will pretend to listen and will slowly be dying inside and becoming more and more bitter until it’s their turn to talk. Then you’ll be sorry you ever shared that personal information, because now they are telling you all about this other person. You can try not to compare yourself to this new person, but you will fail. Now you’re both upset and can no longer enjoy your meal.
  3. Take up a new hobby. It is likely that when you were together you did everything as a unit. Now that you are single, you still have the same interests and therefore everything you do reminds you of them. Additionally, since you always used to do the same things, you’ll try and maintain your previous hobbies and instead you’ll be entirely too distracted to even try an enjoy yourself. You will go to the weekly meet-up and dress as if its laundry day and all you had to wear was your best outfit. Your face will be a mix of nervous anxiety as your eyes dash around every time someone makes a noise or a door opens and being overly calm and you try desperately to look your best from every angle just in case they are watching. The best thing to do is try a new sport, or pick up pottery making. Anything that keeps you occupied, while also avoiding the familiar.
  4. Distance yourself from friends with a bipartisan opinion of the relationship. I don’t mean that you have to get rid of all mutual acquaintances, but it would be wise to limit your visits with mutual friends to once every two weeks (max). They will only remind you of good times that were had when your life wasn’t in shambles. You also will have more to talk about if you space out your visits so as not to realize that the basis of your entire friendship was that relationship.
  5. Don’t date until you are ready to date. Just because you are now single, doesn’t mean you have to immediately jump into the dating game again. All you’re going to do is go on a bunch of impulse or pity dates that you don’t enjoy and compare them to the newly ended relationship. Of course they aren’t going to get the inside joke you had about the creep Wednesday night bartender, and it’s not fair to anyone involved to expect as much. Many people will encourage you to “get out there” and “meet new people”. These are terrible ideas given to you by people who are either in a committed relationship, or who are similarly miserable and want nothing more than to make themselves feel validated by reviling in your misery.

These are simply tips based on my observations, but for your own safety I recommend giving some serious thought to the above information.

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The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

Dear Employer

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Dear Employer,

Thank you for allowing me to work 14 hours every day for a minimal salary that does not account for overtime. I really love the way you make me feel appreciated when I work at 3am by calling me at 7am and promptly yelling at me. I particularly enjoy spending what few hours I have to myself in the morning listening to you degrade me and my work simply because I am female. I would also like to mention how much I want to work over the weekend and how great it is that you wait until 6pm on Friday to mention to me that I do so.

If I may make a suggestion, don’t worry about treating me like a human being who would like to enjoy what is left of their summer with people they actually enjoy being around, and certainly don’t worry about any plans or classes I may have that I’ve spent money on. I can tell through your lack of communication that you are concerned about that aspect of my life, and I wouldn’t want you to have to go out of your way to have any sort of sympathy or compassion for someone as lowly as I.

I understand that as a female in the workplace my position is that of a brainless, spineless, robot and I cannot possibly understand how hard you work every day on the golf course. My lady hands could not possible handle the arduous task of enjoying such a game and I understand that it is a real chore for you. I only hope that my smaller that average brain and feminine sensibilities do not disrupt the workplace. I will work harder to improve myself and aspire to think and act more like a man.

Sincerely,

The Only Employee You Have with a College Degreefeminist-killjoygiphy

Lady How to: Starting a New Relationship

Here are a few simple tips for beginning a new relationship. These tips are completely gender neutral and can be applied to all types of relationships between two humans. I cannot assist if your relationship is with anything humanoid, non-human, or inanimate… sorry.

  1. Ask yourself why you are interested in this person. Are they funny, attractive, or are you so lonely and empty inside that going on without another body next to yours is agonizing. All of these options are possibilities.
  2. Establish solid rules for communication. They may not need to know every time you think of them the instant it pops into your head. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto those little thoughts until later and deposit them all at once. thT56B6703Additionally, if you do not receive a morning and evening text, don’t assume they are waiting for you to send them. They don’t need to know the instant your eyes open, when you are hungry, and what Sue said this morning that sounded like a compliment, but the whole office knows it’s just a backhanded comment meant to make you feel bad about your new shoes (YES SUE! THESE ARE MY ONLY PAIR OF FLATS!)
  3. Wait at least 2 months before leaving personal items at their apartment. This tip mainly applies to the bathroom. This is a very personal space and though you want to smell and feel your best the morning after staying over, consider how you would feel if someone filled all the spaces in you bathroom with their items. At least for a while, you can suffer through waking up and knowing you have to apply deodorant in the car and make-up in the bathroom at the office. This may draw some attention from your coworkers (I’M TALKING TO YOU SUE!) Turn this into a positive water cooler topic through comments said loud enough for those around you to hear. One example of this is: “Man! Wheeeew! I am so exhausted from that movie last night. What a workout.” Your co-workers will be so enamored by your heightened mood that no one will notice you’ve worn the same outfit for three days in a row.
  4. Don’t mention your ex…Ever. Just don’t do it. You may say something as insignificant as, “Oh yeah. I’ve actually been here a few years ago with my ex.” and they will hear, “This place reminds me of my ex. My ex and I had so much fun. I wish you were more like my ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.”

Ep7April

  1. Be yourself. If for any reason you are changing your personality and interests to better match your partner or their friends, seriously consider whether you should be in this relationship (or any relationship at all). I don’t mean to say that you cannot change any of your habits or show interest in their habits, but don’t let them eliminate yours. The best way to measure this effect is to take an activity that you love to do when you’re single. For me that’s board games. If I’m in a relationship and the amount of board games that I play goes down, I am not in the right relationship.