First off, anything you say is going to make you sound like an unsympathetic bitch. It doesn’t matter how much you are validated in your argument or how hurt you are. You are the enemy.
The only exception to the rule is this text:
This is what I was wearing today, and I realized halfway through the day that it was not an outfit that would lend itself to dating.
Picture this: Pleated Charcoal Trousers, Blue Plaid Button up shirt, simple pony tail and my big nerd glasses.
Plus I ordered Panera and drive a Subaru…
I either look like a mom who started the day with a nice blouse and ended with baby spit-up on the nice shirt so I threw the old plaid shirt over it.
I look like a lesbian who tried to class up the regular plaid shirt with the pleated trousers… and failed.
Either way, not good for flirting with guys
Hypothesis: If a guy calls and texts and is genuinely interested in you than he will not flake out on your first date.
Control: The amount of care I take in my responses and my looks for the date.
Translation: I shaved my legs all the way up…
Independent: His responses and the sudden sickness that befell him.
Result: It’s the day of the date and we haven’t spoken for a whole day before. That’s alright since I was busy and so is he probably. Day of the date I amp up the cuteness by asking where he is going to take me. This results in nothing. Not a single text. Now it’s 4pm. I’ve bathed and shaved my legs all the way up. I used the new Lush Brand soap that I just bought, and still nothing. Finally its 5pm and I get the text “I’m Sick.” That’s when I know he just flaked out on me. He weighed his options for the day and decided that seeing me was not a thing he wanted to happen. After all of that pestering and bothering about meeting and finding me on Facebook and getting my number. NOTHING.
Conclusion: I have no idea what motivates men anymore. I thought I knew and I just don’t.
Hypothesis: If I go on a date that in enjoyable and I make a connection with the other person and I get a goodnight kiss aswell, than I will get a second date.
Control: My reactions and conversation on this date.
Independent: Whether or not he will call me back.
Results: On my latest date through OKC I met this person who was funny and personable and actually had some interest to him. We are hitting it off really well to the point where we decide to leave and walk around the neighborhood. Walking around the area, talking and laughing; eventually kissing. It was lovely.
Then what?! NOTHING! No call. No message. NOTHING… What is that about!?
Conclusion: It doesn’t matter how much you think you hit it off with that guy. If you don’t get a response back than you obviously didn’t have the same date experience.
Hypothesis: If the main picture on a person’s profile covers his face completely, than there is probably a good reason for it.
Constant: My continuous yammering about whatever I could think of that would change his facial expression from looking like he wants to make a life-like puppet of me out of my toe nail clippings.
Independent: The array of facial expressions this guy made throughout our coffee date.
Results: A while back I went on a date with a guy who seemed like a good option. Sure his main picture was of him wearing a wolf mask, but his other picture seemed relatively normal. Plus, honestly, I like dressing up sometimes. We went for coffee because it seemed like a safe enough option. Beer googles are bad news for a first date. So the coffee date was going well until I realized that every time I was talking he would get this resting murderface. At first I thought that this was just a momentary issue that would resolve itself when a new topic was brought up, but that was not the case. If he was talking, he was interesting and made a wide variety of expressions that were actually quite pleasant. When I was talking, he turned off all charm and looked at me like he couldn’t wait until I turned my back so he could rip a hair from my head and being the cloning process.
Conclusion: I am not attracted to people whose resting face is at best chilling and at worst the very root of all evil.
Hypothesis: If I stop responding to someone I’m not interested in, then they will get the hint and stop messaging me.
Control: Stop all communication after determining that there is no interest.
Independent: Repeated messages from someone who wasn’t particularly profound to begin with
Results: I ended all communication after I realized that I was no longer interested in this person. I said as much and then went on to never think about him again. Unfortunately, to my great dismay, I received continuous messages for weeks on end. Most of these messages consisted of an update on their day and an inquiry as to my day. I chose to not respond. He then upped the game by adding a guilt factor, which was just sad. I don’t respond to pity parties and as I didn’t like this person before the guilt trip started this was certainly not effective. The frequency of messages went down, but the magnitude of these messages when they did come through was so great that it made up for the lost time. After six months he then moved to on to the next level; direct personal attacks. These savored heavily of bitterness and, to him, must have had the same level of satisfaction that one gets from a freshly sharpened pencil; clean and crisp, but laden with the knowledge that any action you take will destroy what you loved most about it. To this day I will get a message every few months with a subtle “hey…” or “sup.”
Conclusion: The idea that a complete lack of communication would prompt one to stop and think about how to better spend their time seems invalid after this experience. No matter what action (or lack thereof) I take, I will never be able to determine one’s reactions to me
Hypothesis: If an attractive man leaves you and message that is both funny and interesting, than it is probably too good to be true.
Control: Begin a conversation with the attractive man who messaged you on OKC with a few jokes and video game references.
Independent: His responses and whether or not he asks you on a date.
Results: These messages began as cute little jokes with mild flirting and plenty of Batman references. These did eventually lead to numbers being exchanged and the flirting to be a bit more intense. At some point he decided that being the attractive and funny nerd that I was experiencing was no longer going to happen and the “freaky shit” began to show. This led to a severe change in these conversations that would end with me trying to maintain what I thought was a good start to a relationship while also not sending any pictures or any further personal information until I was sure this guy wasn’t going to show up at my apartment in full role-play mode wanting to play Joker and Harley Quinn in every disturbing detail.
- No I am not going to send you pictures when I have never actually seen your face.
- I don’t want to see your “Robin”… Batman. (and stop trying to sound like Adam West)
- I have no interest in introducing you to my cats as I know they will disapprove.
- I am clearly not cut out for this dating life.
- I am going to actively not respond to any further messages as I am thoroughly creeped out.
- Definitely too good to be true (damn)
Post Comments: This person recently found me on Facebook (even though no names or other personal information was shared). I attempted to determine why I was so thrown off by him the first time we spoke. I have now been reminded why I lock all possible way to enter my house when I am alone at home.
HYPOTHESIS: Post that I am interested in Metal music and the person who responds to this aspect of my profile will be a lively and interesting metal enthusiast.
CONTROL: “Looking for someone interested in Metal and having a good time”
INDEPENDANT: “Hey, I would love to get coffee sometime. I’m actually in a metal band. I play the drums.”
- Long brown hair
- Full Beard
- Obscure Metal Band Tee
- Quite Mousey Voice
- Zero Sense of Humor
- Complete Lack of Knowledge on anything other than Metal Band
CONCLUSION: Just because a person plays in a Metal band, does not mean that any other aspect of their life is in any way interesting or entertaining. I can only assume that this man was bred from a family of librarians whose idea of humor and entertainment stems from an in depth knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System.
You have now entered the realm of talking to strangers. You scan the room and ascertaining which of the attractive people are attainable or not. This will change your tactics drastically. With any luck there are a multitude of tall beardy men in the room with no women that they are paying particularly intense attention to. With any luck the same friends who invited you out so you can start to meet people again will also allow you to sit at the bar alone for a reasonable enough amount of time so any interested men may come up and say something deliciously awkward.
Three drinks in and still no response. Time to deploy the move to the next room. Maybe if you are around friends and say funny things loud enough someone will be interested enough to make momentary eye contact and you can pursue at a later time in the night. Repeat this step the necessary amount of time for you to look interesting while also not being obnoxious. Eventually your friends will stop playing this game and someone else will want to talk at some point in the evening. Continue reading →