Who else is afraid of never ending voids like the ocean or space? Who else starts building a timeline of events when they can’t reach their boyfriend just in case it becomes a murder investigation?
I’ve been trying to pin down my fears and figure out why it causes so much anxiety, and I don’t think I’m the only one with these fears. I’ve decided that it is the uncertainty that I can not handle. I struggle with the unknown and unseen. Maybe I’m just going for a quick dip on a lake but on the other hand maybe there is a large and yet undiscovered carnivorous aquatic creature just waiting to prove me right. It is that option that makes me paranoid to step in water and paranoid when it’s 6pm and I haven’t gotten an ETA of when my boyfriend will be home.
Now that I know that is the cause of my anxiety, what am I supposed to do with that information. It doesn’t alleviate my fears to know why I’m afraid of something. If anyone has tips I am open for suggestions.
I’ve tried going to therapy, but I find that I can never quite say what is really bothering me in those sessions. We talk about relationships and self improvement, but because I’m not actively experiencing that fear at that moment I never get around to discussing it. It’s not like I had a rough and uncertain childhood or anything. I had and still have two very loving, giving, and present parents. Then again, maybe having all of that certainty in my early life left me unprepared for uncertainty as an adult. What is a parent supposed to do? Create uncertainty as a way of toughening a kid up? That seems like it would have the opposite effect and some additional trauma to boot.
So where does one start to heal from a fear acquired from a normal and well-adjusted upbringing? Perhaps my ideas on “normal” and well-adjusted” need to be explored.
And with that, I will keep you posted…