Biopsy of a Date: Preparation

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Typical preparation includes, but is not limited to:

  1. Remove every hair on your body. If there is a hair out of place, remove it with extreme prejudice. There are going to humans at this place. Male humans no less. You are not about to present anything other than the very best you have to offer. Maybe one of these times one of these male humans will get a chance to inspect these well-groomed areas, but probably not.
  2. Eliminate all blemishes. These preparations vary depending on the amount of preparation time.
    1. If you have multiple days, an intensive array of creams and masks will do the trick (unless like me you fail to see how any of those products have any effect and are probably just a chemical bath of relaxing smells meant to trick you into being calm and assuming everyone can tell that you tried.)
    2. If you have one day to prepare, the evening before or morning of the big outing feel free to manually remove all blemishes. You may look red and puffy for the next hour but by the time you are ready to go out these issues will have cleared up (hopefully.)
    • The third option is the quick cover-up. This involves hastily applied pasty concealer that anyone with access to rudimentary light sources and functioning eyes will be able see doesn’t match any other patch of skin on your body.
    1. Smell like you have never even heard the words “body” and “odor” said in the same sentence. Again this step depends on the amount of time you have to prepare.
      1. If you have more than one day of preparation take a series of baths where you finally get to use the those expensive dissolving balls of scent and soap that coat the bottom of you tub with a sheen so slick and thin that you will fall in the shower for weeks to come.
      2. If you have a day to prepare take a long hot shower and apply soap at least three times to ensure the highest possibility of smelling like you didn’t just work all day around people who have no intention of impressing the opposite sex.
    • If you have less that a couple hours of preparation spend fifteen minutes every hour applying a steady stream of body spray until the content of your lungs has changed from oxygen to Ocean Breeze.
    1. Apply make-up to excess so your face looks the least like your own face as possible while also not making you look like a Stepford Wife. Consider that the instant you arrive at your outing you will be steadily removing lipstick with every drink and napkin and accidental bump with your hand that you will be so distracted by the thought that you have smudged your make-up and now look like your Aunt Maggie let your nephew James play Batman and Joker with her face. At this point promptly remove the lipstick as it really wasn’t doing you any favors anyways.
    2. Hair cannot simply be well done. This crowd requires the simple sophistication that only loose waves can provide. Unlike most other steps, though you may think time is a factor, what is going to happen is you are going take time to clean, straighten, and then curl your hair just enough so the instant you leave your house and then as soon as you catch a glace of yourself in a window you will see all the imperfection and will use the strategically placed hair bands on your wrist to throw your hair up into a simple pony tail or bun. You meant to do that the whole time anyways… worth it.
    3. Choose an outfit. This step is probably the most exhausting depending on the frequency at which you do laundry. If, like me, laundry is the worst form of torture and a word reserved for pure necessity, than this presents a problem. How often can you wear a pair of pants or your favorite revealing baggy off-the-shoulder shirt before your fear that everyone can tell distracts you from your potential cuteness?
      1. Now for the battle of fashion vs. function. You want to look effortlessly cute (“oh this old thing? I just threw it on”) while also having the confidence of a person who just spent two hours trying on different combinations of every shirt, skirt, pant, and shoe you own. Also with idea of function in mind, say someone decides they want to examine every area of your body that is newly void of hair. Your outfit needs to be at least mildly easy to remove without falling off your body throughout the night.

    You now have everything you need to present the best version of yourself. You have alabaster skin and smell like the embodiment of Aphrodite (if she smelled like Ocean Breeze). Your friends will hardly recognize you with the amount of eye liner you’ve applied and any men you meet will be hard pressed to recognize you on the street once you’ve sobered up. You are sure the outfit you have is perfect for the occasion and will make you look like you have money but still choose to shop in the clearance section for the hidden gems that can only exist in that area.

    Time to go in and watch how seamlessly you both stand out and blend in with the crowd… 1, 2, 3…

    Everyone else looks better than you, and is instantly alarmed by how much you don’t actually smell like Ocean Breeze but more like chemical cancer in a spray bottle. You’re ready

    .

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