Lady How to: Getting over a break-up

Whether it was a month, 5 months, or five years, all relationships have an effect on you. They change your perspective no matter what and will alter how you react to all future romantic situations going forward. As someone who has struggled (for years) with getting over relationships, I have a few tips that might help.

  1. If it’s over, then let it be over. Do not go back. EVER. This usually happens with relationships that were long and intense. It is my firm belief that once a relationship ends, it is nearly impossible to try and repair it. The result will be a worse relationship that is comprised of the tattered remains of the previous relationship.
  2. Don’t remain friends for at least a year. You cannot be friends with someone you were in a relationship with right away. All that will happen is you’ll try really hard to not picture them naked and will fail miserably. Also, friends talk to each other, and you should not talk to them about your new single life. They will pretend to listen and will slowly be dying inside and becoming more and more bitter until it’s their turn to talk. Then you’ll be sorry you ever shared that personal information, because now they are telling you all about this other person. You can try not to compare yourself to this new person, but you will fail. Now you’re both upset and can no longer enjoy your meal.
  3. Take up a new hobby. It is likely that when you were together you did everything as a unit. Now that you are single, you still have the same interests and therefore everything you do reminds you of them. Additionally, since you always used to do the same things, you’ll try and maintain your previous hobbies and instead you’ll be entirely too distracted to even try an enjoy yourself. You will go to the weekly meet-up and dress as if its laundry day and all you had to wear was your best outfit. Your face will be a mix of nervous anxiety as your eyes dash around every time someone makes a noise or a door opens and being overly calm and you try desperately to look your best from every angle just in case they are watching. The best thing to do is try a new sport, or pick up pottery making. Anything that keeps you occupied, while also avoiding the familiar.
  4. Distance yourself from friends with a bipartisan opinion of the relationship. I don’t mean that you have to get rid of all mutual acquaintances, but it would be wise to limit your visits with mutual friends to once every two weeks (max). They will only remind you of good times that were had when your life wasn’t in shambles. You also will have more to talk about if you space out your visits so as not to realize that the basis of your entire friendship was that relationship.
  5. Don’t date until you are ready to date. Just because you are now single, doesn’t mean you have to immediately jump into the dating game again. All you’re going to do is go on a bunch of impulse or pity dates that you don’t enjoy and compare them to the newly ended relationship. Of course they aren’t going to get the inside joke you had about the creep Wednesday night bartender, and it’s not fair to anyone involved to expect as much. Many people will encourage you to “get out there” and “meet new people”. These are terrible ideas given to you by people who are either in a committed relationship, or who are similarly miserable and want nothing more than to make themselves feel validated by reviling in your misery.

These are simply tips based on my observations, but for your own safety I recommend giving some serious thought to the above information.

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The OKC Experiments: The Almost Date Part 2

Hypothesis: If a guy stands you up and then refuses to talk to you, he is not interested.

Control: I ended all communication.

Independent: A random message from him at 4:30 on a Tuesday.

Results: Once I was stood up and felt that fun emotion, I got on with my life and stopped thinking about this person. It seems, however, that he did not do the same thing. At some point in his day, he found it necessary to contact me once more and try to reestablish communication. Not only did he reach out, but he also asked me (the girl he stood up) why his dating life was not successful and why some girl decided not to date him. I was not receptive to this communication.

Conclusion: This guy has no idea how to treat human beings; let alone female human beings.

The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

Lady How to: Starting a New Relationship

Here are a few simple tips for beginning a new relationship. These tips are completely gender neutral and can be applied to all types of relationships between two humans. I cannot assist if your relationship is with anything humanoid, non-human, or inanimate… sorry.

  1. Ask yourself why you are interested in this person. Are they funny, attractive, or are you so lonely and empty inside that going on without another body next to yours is agonizing. All of these options are possibilities.
  2. Establish solid rules for communication. They may not need to know every time you think of them the instant it pops into your head. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto those little thoughts until later and deposit them all at once. thT56B6703Additionally, if you do not receive a morning and evening text, don’t assume they are waiting for you to send them. They don’t need to know the instant your eyes open, when you are hungry, and what Sue said this morning that sounded like a compliment, but the whole office knows it’s just a backhanded comment meant to make you feel bad about your new shoes (YES SUE! THESE ARE MY ONLY PAIR OF FLATS!)
  3. Wait at least 2 months before leaving personal items at their apartment. This tip mainly applies to the bathroom. This is a very personal space and though you want to smell and feel your best the morning after staying over, consider how you would feel if someone filled all the spaces in you bathroom with their items. At least for a while, you can suffer through waking up and knowing you have to apply deodorant in the car and make-up in the bathroom at the office. This may draw some attention from your coworkers (I’M TALKING TO YOU SUE!) Turn this into a positive water cooler topic through comments said loud enough for those around you to hear. One example of this is: “Man! Wheeeew! I am so exhausted from that movie last night. What a workout.” Your co-workers will be so enamored by your heightened mood that no one will notice you’ve worn the same outfit for three days in a row.
  4. Don’t mention your ex…Ever. Just don’t do it. You may say something as insignificant as, “Oh yeah. I’ve actually been here a few years ago with my ex.” and they will hear, “This place reminds me of my ex. My ex and I had so much fun. I wish you were more like my ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.”

Ep7April

  1. Be yourself. If for any reason you are changing your personality and interests to better match your partner or their friends, seriously consider whether you should be in this relationship (or any relationship at all). I don’t mean to say that you cannot change any of your habits or show interest in their habits, but don’t let them eliminate yours. The best way to measure this effect is to take an activity that you love to do when you’re single. For me that’s board games. If I’m in a relationship and the amount of board games that I play goes down, I am not in the right relationship.

The perfect outfit for repulsing men Part 2

Anything that makes you look like a capable and intelligent woman.

Men hate that.

In all seriousness, I have found that wearing a shirt with a collar is fine, but when combined with boots and a car with 4 wheel drive, I might as well be an anomaly that must be studied with limited interaction so as not to disturb the delicate balance of both feminine and masculine characteristics. As we all know this is a naturally unstable and volatile mixture that can explode resulting in a wide array of terrifying creations.

Yes, I go hiking, fishing, and lift heavy things. Yes, I like my pants to have functional pockets. Yes, if I were a man my dick would definitely be bigger than yours. Seems like the obvious conclusion. No reason to feel threatened.

Official sans Facebook

“Is it Facebook Official?”

For the past 6 years I have been on a relationship status rollercoaster with one guy after the other almost making the grade and then falling short (figuratively and sometimes literally), and every time a man entered my life, I was asked if it was official. Not just official personally, but “Facebook official.” It is as if Facebook is the mighty site for all things true and real. For reality to have meaning it must be recorded amongst its many “Like” buttons. How do you know you have friends at all if you have never been “Poked”?

I have no idea when the transition occurred, but I recently realized that no one asks me about my life anymore. They only get their information from Facebook. I know this based on the comments I hear on the rare occasion I actually see my family and interact in the same space and time. These comments usually look sound like, “Dear, are you ok? I haven’t heard anything from you in over a month.” To which my response is, “Aunt [Insert name], We haven’t spoken since Christmas… A year ago.”

At no point is Big Brother Facebook going to know when I am in a relationship. I don’t need people who are mutual friends of a coworker from 5 years ago commenting on my life. I would be less uncomfortable if a total stranger came up to me and my boyfriend and congratulated us on our successful relationship.

PS. OMG my bae iS super hawt! hashtag 4evs

TV is to my life as Relationships are to normal people…

Most people define their life into relationships. For Instance:

“I remember my first kiss. It was (insert dorky name). We didn’t know what we were doing, but my heart still skipped a beat.”

Or

“Oh yeah. In high school I was with (insert name), but then once I hit the middle of college I moved on and met (insert name of more attractive person).”

My life, however, is defined by TV shows.

“I used to be far more into The Simpsons, but after the middle seasons I kinda moved on.”

“I remember my first marathon. It was Stargate SG-1. I didn’t know what I was doing and before I knew it, the sun had come out.”

“Oh yeah. In high school I was into Teal’c, but then in college I moved on to Jason Momoa.”

“I’ve just started watching The Arrow, and I’m never going back!”

“I’m completely committed to Game of Thrones, but sometimes I just can’t handle the way the day always ends so up in the air… Is there something I’m not getting?”

This also related to the level of commitment I’m ready for.

For instance, the show Lost. That was never going to work. I mean I have school and friends to be around and I just can’t have the emotional baggage hanging around me constantly. Plus the time commitment along with the amount of time it takes to figure out what the hell is happening and what will happen the following week. It just wasn’t meant to be.