Hypothesis: If I stop responding to someone I’m not interested in, then they will get the hint and stop messaging me.
Control: Stop all communication after determining that there is no interest.
Independent: Repeated messages from someone who wasn’t particularly profound to begin with
Results: I ended all communication after I realized that I was no longer interested in this person. I said as much and then went on to never think about him again. Unfortunately, to my great dismay, I received continuous messages for weeks on end. Most of these messages consisted of an update on their day and an inquiry as to my day. I chose to not respond. He then upped the game by adding a guilt factor, which was just sad. I don’t respond to pity parties and as I didn’t like this person before the guilt trip started this was certainly not effective. The frequency of messages went down, but the magnitude of these messages when they did come through was so great that it made up for the lost time. After six months he then moved to on to the next level; direct personal attacks. These savored heavily of bitterness and, to him, must have had the same level of satisfaction that one gets from a freshly sharpened pencil; clean and crisp, but laden with the knowledge that any action you take will destroy what you loved most about it. To this day I will get a message every few months with a subtle “hey…” or “sup.”
Conclusion: The idea that a complete lack of communication would prompt one to stop and think about how to better spend their time seems invalid after this experience. No matter what action (or lack thereof) I take, I will never be able to determine one’s reactions to me
HYPOTHESIS: Post that I am interested in Metal music and the person who responds to this aspect of my profile will be a lively and interesting metal enthusiast.
CONTROL: “Looking for someone interested in Metal and having a good time”
INDEPENDANT: “Hey, I would love to get coffee sometime. I’m actually in a metal band. I play the drums.”
- Long brown hair
- Full Beard
- Obscure Metal Band Tee
- Quite Mousey Voice
- Zero Sense of Humor
- Complete Lack of Knowledge on anything other than Metal Band
CONCLUSION: Just because a person plays in a Metal band, does not mean that any other aspect of their life is in any way interesting or entertaining. I can only assume that this man was bred from a family of librarians whose idea of humor and entertainment stems from an in depth knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System.
You have now entered the realm of talking to strangers. You scan the room and ascertaining which of the attractive people are attainable or not. This will change your tactics drastically. With any luck there are a multitude of tall beardy men in the room with no women that they are paying particularly intense attention to. With any luck the same friends who invited you out so you can start to meet people again will also allow you to sit at the bar alone for a reasonable enough amount of time so any interested men may come up and say something deliciously awkward.
Three drinks in and still no response. Time to deploy the move to the next room. Maybe if you are around friends and say funny things loud enough someone will be interested enough to make momentary eye contact and you can pursue at a later time in the night. Repeat this step the necessary amount of time for you to look interesting while also not being obnoxious. Eventually your friends will stop playing this game and someone else will want to talk at some point in the evening. Continue reading
Typical preparation includes, but is not limited to:
- Remove every hair on your body. If there is a hair out of place, remove it with extreme prejudice. There are going to humans at this place. Male humans no less. You are not about to present anything other than the very best you have to offer. Maybe one of these times one of these male humans will get a chance to inspect these well-groomed areas, but probably not.
- Eliminate all blemishes. These preparations vary depending on the amount of preparation time.
- If you have multiple days, an intensive array of creams and masks will do the trick (unless like me you fail to see how any of those products have any effect and are probably just a chemical bath of relaxing smells meant to trick you into being calm and assuming everyone can tell that you tried.)
- If you have one day to prepare, the evening before or morning of the big outing feel free to manually remove all blemishes. You may look red and puffy for the next hour but by the time you are ready to go out these issues will have cleared up (hopefully.) Continue reading
Awesome: Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear
Date: the day of the month or year as specified by a number
Biopsy: An examination of tissue removed from a living body to discover the presence, cause, or extent of a disease.
The date as a concept is not flawed, however the flaws are innate with the addition of humans. Humans have brains, and with that brain, can choose whether or not they would like to use it or save it for the regret that will inevitably follow.
Here you are… You have finally gotten to the point where your friends are consistently asking you to come out and have fun for a night without the fear that you will probably cancel at the last-minute to wait at home until your true love comes rapping at the door yearning, just as you do, for the company that only one can provide. They have asked you out for the third consecutive weekend and you have obliged with the eagerness that can only be matched by childhood anticipation of spring. This solidifies your status as the single friend who is now ready to “get out there.”
So get out there…