Dear Fuel Gauge,
Why is it that when my gas tank has one gallon left you suddenly stop working? Your digital screen is supposed to be more advanced and more helpful than the typical dial gauge, however, in my time of need you were no where to be found. You abandoned me. Instead of your usual reliable numeric countdown, you displayed three dashes, which, to me, can only mean that I have 30 seconds to vacate the vehicle before it explodes in the middle of I-90. For this reason we can no longer associate with one another and I will now be relying on Mileage Gauge, who has been reliably been tracking my every mile since day one.
Yours with distain,
Here are a few simple tips for beginning a new relationship. These tips are completely gender neutral and can be applied to all types of relationships between two humans. I cannot assist if your relationship is with anything humanoid, non-human, or inanimate… sorry.
- Ask yourself why you are interested in this person. Are they funny, attractive, or are you so lonely and empty inside that going on without another body next to yours is agonizing. All of these options are possibilities.
- Establish solid rules for communication. They may not need to know every time you think of them the instant it pops into your head. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto those little thoughts until later and deposit them all at once. Additionally, if you do not receive a morning and evening text, don’t assume they are waiting for you to send them. They don’t need to know the instant your eyes open, when you are hungry, and what Sue said this morning that sounded like a compliment, but the whole office knows it’s just a backhanded comment meant to make you feel bad about your new shoes (YES SUE! THESE ARE MY ONLY PAIR OF FLATS!)
- Wait at least 2 months before leaving personal items at their apartment. This tip mainly applies to the bathroom. This is a very personal space and though you want to smell and feel your best the morning after staying over, consider how you would feel if someone filled all the spaces in you bathroom with their items. At least for a while, you can suffer through waking up and knowing you have to apply deodorant in the car and make-up in the bathroom at the office. This may draw some attention from your coworkers (I’M TALKING TO YOU SUE!) Turn this into a positive water cooler topic through comments said loud enough for those around you to hear. One example of this is: “Man! Wheeeew! I am so exhausted from that movie last night. What a workout.” Your co-workers will be so enamored by your heightened mood that no one will notice you’ve worn the same outfit for three days in a row.
- Don’t mention your ex…Ever. Just don’t do it. You may say something as insignificant as, “Oh yeah. I’ve actually been here a few years ago with my ex.” and they will hear, “This place reminds me of my ex. My ex and I had so much fun. I wish you were more like my ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.”
- Be yourself. If for any reason you are changing your personality and interests to better match your partner or their friends, seriously consider whether you should be in this relationship (or any relationship at all). I don’t mean to say that you cannot change any of your habits or show interest in their habits, but don’t let them eliminate yours. The best way to measure this effect is to take an activity that you love to do when you’re single. For me that’s board games. If I’m in a relationship and the amount of board games that I play goes down, I am not in the right relationship.
Anything that makes you look like a capable and intelligent woman.
Men hate that.
In all seriousness, I have found that wearing a shirt with a collar is fine, but when combined with boots and a car with 4 wheel drive, I might as well be an anomaly that must be studied with limited interaction so as not to disturb the delicate balance of both feminine and masculine characteristics. As we all know this is a naturally unstable and volatile mixture that can explode resulting in a wide array of terrifying creations.
Yes, I go hiking, fishing, and lift heavy things. Yes, I like my pants to have functional pockets. Yes, if I were a man my dick would definitely be bigger than yours. Seems like the obvious conclusion. No reason to feel threatened.
“Is it Facebook Official?”
For the past 6 years I have been on a relationship status rollercoaster with one guy after the other almost making the grade and then falling short (figuratively and sometimes literally), and every time a man entered my life, I was asked if it was official. Not just official personally, but “Facebook official.” It is as if Facebook is the mighty site for all things true and real. For reality to have meaning it must be recorded amongst its many “Like” buttons. How do you know you have friends at all if you have never been “Poked”?
I have no idea when the transition occurred, but I recently realized that no one asks me about my life anymore. They only get their information from Facebook. I know this based on the comments I hear on the rare occasion I actually see my family and interact in the same space and time. These comments usually look sound like, “Dear, are you ok? I haven’t heard anything from you in over a month.” To which my response is, “Aunt [Insert name], We haven’t spoken since Christmas… A year ago.”
At no point is Big Brother Facebook going to know when I am in a relationship. I don’t need people who are mutual friends of a coworker from 5 years ago commenting on my life. I would be less uncomfortable if a total stranger came up to me and my boyfriend and congratulated us on our successful relationship.
PS. OMG my bae iS super hawt! hashtag 4evs
- Presentation:You should look and smell your best. They will take one look at you and instantly decide that you need to be a part of their life.
- Communication: Think of at least three interesting questions that no other fan has ever asked ever and a few witty quips and jokes for when they inevitably strike up a conversation about how interesting you are.
- Practice: Make sure to practice the smile and pose you will be using when they ask to take a picture with you. You want to look good, but not steal the show. After all, there are other people waiting to meet them.
- Presentation: Over dress so when they see you they will know instantly that it is a facade and not real so their opinion of you is even lower than if you showed up in your pajamas.
- Communication: Repeat the question and jokes you are going to ask over and over in your head so you look like a psychopath. Also don’t decide on a question and say something that is a mix of all three questions so that it makes no sense. They will genuinely wonder what you were saying and now you will have their complete attention. With that attention you are going to walk away nervously repeating one of the jokes, but in the most offensive way possible.
- Practice: Look at yourself in the mirror so much before leaving the house that you begin to invent things about your face that bother you and will be completely unnoticeable to anyone without microscopes permanently attached to their face. While you wait in line to take the picture that you paid $50 for, mess with your hair to the point where it no longer looks effortlessly done, and now looks like a fuzzy wig that you tried to make look natural. Once the picture comes up you should forget all smiles and poses that you practiced and just make a face that shows how much you can barely contain your excitement while also trying to smile. You strike a pose that looks like you were holding your breath for an hour and have all of the sudden exhaled and you completely forget what to do with your hands.
FYI: My picture was with Jason Momoa.
I remember when this movie first came out, and even though it never boasted to be anything more than a summer super hero movie, I loved it. The fight scenes and Easter eggs and little one liners in all. This being said, I just recently re-watched it and was surprised at everything I hated about it. There are some possible reasons for this change of heart.
Firstly, I never liked Toby Maguire as Spiderman. He is far too self-deprecating and lacks a certain wit that the Spiderman I knew from the comics always had. In addition Andrew Garfield, is a far better (looking and acting) Spiderman.
Second, I know I shouldn’t gripe about the graphics, since the technology was not as advanced as it is now and that will always be the case when comparing new movies to old movies, however with this in mind I must say that the fighting sequences in Spiderman 2 are so subpar. Doc Ock is a regular man with mechanical appendages, so when he gets hit with a banker desk and his mechanical friends are all splayed out, he should have some marks, a broken bone, or any indication that he was just hit by a desk and sent through a glass door into a taxi.
Thirdly and most important, I did not realize when first watching this movie how many women were hired purely for their ability to look terrified and scream. There are at least 7 too many women whose sole purpose is to indicate that there is a big scary thing in the area. I haven’t run into the street while a giant mechanical maniac is throwing cars everywhere, but I am pretty sure my reaction would not be to stand in the middle of the street screaming and being completely useless. But who cares… since women are obviously the weaker of the two sexes.
Most people define their life into relationships. For Instance:
“I remember my first kiss. It was (insert dorky name). We didn’t know what we were doing, but my heart still skipped a beat.”
“Oh yeah. In high school I was with (insert name), but then once I hit the middle of college I moved on and met (insert name of more attractive person).”
My life, however, is defined by TV shows.
“I used to be far more into The Simpsons, but after the middle seasons I kinda moved on.”
“I remember my first marathon. It was Stargate SG-1. I didn’t know what I was doing and before I knew it, the sun had come out.”
“Oh yeah. In high school I was into Teal’c, but then in college I moved on to Jason Momoa.”
“I’ve just started watching The Arrow, and I’m never going back!”
“I’m completely committed to Game of Thrones, but sometimes I just can’t handle the way the day always ends so up in the air… Is there something I’m not getting?”
This also related to the level of commitment I’m ready for.
For instance, the show Lost. That was never going to work. I mean I have school and friends to be around and I just can’t have the emotional baggage hanging around me constantly. Plus the time commitment along with the amount of time it takes to figure out what the hell is happening and what will happen the following week. It just wasn’t meant to be.
First off, anything you say is going to make you sound like an unsympathetic bitch. It doesn’t matter how much you are validated in your argument or how hurt you are. You are the enemy.
The only exception to the rule is this text:
No matter what, any time I demonstrate good driving techniques it goes completely unnoticed. When, however, I miss something or make a mistake, people stare into the car and upon seeing me they get this look on their face that says,” of course it’s a woman driver… typical.”
I find myself doing this as well. I’ll driver behind dozens of women and men and of all races, but the instant I’m behind some slow or irrational driver and it’s an old Asian woman I’m like, “of course it’s an old Asian woman. Way to fit the stereotype.”
Also, when I do make a mistake or piss someone off, my defense mechanism is the Beauty Pageant Smile and Wave. I pretend like them honking and flailing in my general direction is some sort of compliment and I am obliged (as a courteous and respectful woman) to accept the compliment wholly.
This is what I was wearing today, and I realized halfway through the day that it was not an outfit that would lend itself to dating.
Picture this: Pleated Charcoal Trousers, Blue Plaid Button up shirt, simple pony tail and my big nerd glasses.
Plus I ordered Panera and drive a Subaru…
I either look like a mom who started the day with a nice blouse and ended with baby spit-up on the nice shirt so I threw the old plaid shirt over it.
I look like a lesbian who tried to class up the regular plaid shirt with the pleated trousers… and failed.
Either way, not good for flirting with guys