Ocean Rant: Why the open ocean should be avoided at all costs

This will be a quick rant about why the ocean is the worst place for humans. For the full effect please read this post in a high pitched, frantic, and panicked voice.

  1. Some humans can swim, and can even swim well enough compared to other humans, but compared to other animals that are born in the ocean we are basically large infants. None of our senses work properly in the ocean. We can’t breathe, smell, hear, or see properly. We are slow and have zero innate weapons with which to defend ourselves in the event of being attacked. We are basically defenseless babies in a vast bath with billions of death traps.
  2. Everything in the ocean would prefer if we were dead. Not one thing in the ocean would mourn the loss of a human. Even dolphins and seals, which we were taught were like ocean dogs are actually oceanic ass holes and would be far happier picking at our bones rather than being a part of a fun new facebook post.
  3. The tiniest animals can kill us. The Box Jellyfish and Blue-Ringed Octopus are both tiny nearly invisible animals that if bumped into will deal such a deadly blow that we could be paralyzed within minutes of touching them. Animals with no brain and just a basic nervous system can take down a fully grown adult.
  4. There are massive animals that also can kill you without even meaning to. Sharks don’t want to eat you most of the time, but their taste tests usually involve severing a few major arteries in order to really know that they don’t like the taste. Humboldt Squid travel in packs and they have powerful suckers that can take apart your scuba gear as they drag you slowly further beneath the surface. They also have beaks that can bite through Kevlar.
  5. The ocean has had millions more years to evolve than land animals and we have no idea what is going on in 90% of that ocean. Just knowing how much water is out there and we have no way to see it all is terrifying enough.


This is not to say that I don’t love the oceans. I probably watch way too much Shark Week, but honestly the ocean is one of my favorite subjects to study. That is why I am so sure that it is the LAST place humans belong. I have a great respect for the oceans, but from a distance.

Posted in Zen

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