Ever have that moment at work were you realize that all of your money and schooling and years of papers and finals led up to a job that has nothing to do with your major and instead you use your degree to annoy and bore the woman who does your nails?
“Oh… this new style is called granite? I can see that. These pink flakes would be the potassium feldspar. You know… feldspar actually comes in a variety of colors and is only pink when the mineral composition includes potassium. If it were white it would include calcium.”
Thanks Earth and Environmental Science Degree
Hypothesis: If the main picture on a person’s profile covers his face completely, than there is probably a good reason for it.
Constant: My continuous yammering about whatever I could think of that would change his facial expression from looking like he wants to make a life-like puppet of me out of my toe nail clippings.
Independent: The array of facial expressions this guy made throughout our coffee date.
Results: A while back I went on a date with a guy who seemed like a good option. Sure his main picture was of him wearing a wolf mask, but his other picture seemed relatively normal. Plus, honestly, I like dressing up sometimes. We went for coffee because it seemed like a safe enough option. Beer googles are bad news for a first date. So the coffee date was going well until I realized that every time I was talking he would get this resting murderface. At first I thought that this was just a momentary issue that would resolve itself when a new topic was brought up, but that was not the case. If he was talking, he was interesting and made a wide variety of expressions that were actually quite pleasant. When I was talking, he turned off all charm and looked at me like he couldn’t wait until I turned my back so he could rip a hair from my head and being the cloning process.
Conclusion: I am not attracted to people whose resting face is at best chilling and at worst the very root of all evil.
Hypothesis: If I stop responding to someone I’m not interested in, then they will get the hint and stop messaging me.
Control: Stop all communication after determining that there is no interest.
Independent: Repeated messages from someone who wasn’t particularly profound to begin with
Results: I ended all communication after I realized that I was no longer interested in this person. I said as much and then went on to never think about him again. Unfortunately, to my great dismay, I received continuous messages for weeks on end. Most of these messages consisted of an update on their day and an inquiry as to my day. I chose to not respond. He then upped the game by adding a guilt factor, which was just sad. I don’t respond to pity parties and as I didn’t like this person before the guilt trip started this was certainly not effective. The frequency of messages went down, but the magnitude of these messages when they did come through was so great that it made up for the lost time. After six months he then moved to on to the next level; direct personal attacks. These savored heavily of bitterness and, to him, must have had the same level of satisfaction that one gets from a freshly sharpened pencil; clean and crisp, but laden with the knowledge that any action you take will destroy what you loved most about it. To this day I will get a message every few months with a subtle “hey…” or “sup.”
Conclusion: The idea that a complete lack of communication would prompt one to stop and think about how to better spend their time seems invalid after this experience. No matter what action (or lack thereof) I take, I will never be able to determine one’s reactions to me
Hypothesis: If an attractive man leaves you and message that is both funny and interesting, than it is probably too good to be true.
Control: Begin a conversation with the attractive man who messaged you on OKC with a few jokes and video game references.
Independent: His responses and whether or not he asks you on a date.
Results: These messages began as cute little jokes with mild flirting and plenty of Batman references. These did eventually lead to numbers being exchanged and the flirting to be a bit more intense. At some point he decided that being the attractive and funny nerd that I was experiencing was no longer going to happen and the “freaky shit” began to show. This led to a severe change in these conversations that would end with me trying to maintain what I thought was a good start to a relationship while also not sending any pictures or any further personal information until I was sure this guy wasn’t going to show up at my apartment in full role-play mode wanting to play Joker and Harley Quinn in every disturbing detail.
- No I am not going to send you pictures when I have never actually seen your face.
- I don’t want to see your “Robin”… Batman. (and stop trying to sound like Adam West)
- I have no interest in introducing you to my cats as I know they will disapprove.
- I am clearly not cut out for this dating life.
- I am going to actively not respond to any further messages as I am thoroughly creeped out.
- Definitely too good to be true (damn)
Post Comments: This person recently found me on Facebook (even though no names or other personal information was shared). I attempted to determine why I was so thrown off by him the first time we spoke. I have now been reminded why I lock all possible way to enter my house when I am alone at home.
HYPOTHESIS: Post that I am interested in Metal music and the person who responds to this aspect of my profile will be a lively and interesting metal enthusiast.
CONTROL: “Looking for someone interested in Metal and having a good time”
INDEPENDANT: “Hey, I would love to get coffee sometime. I’m actually in a metal band. I play the drums.”
- Long brown hair
- Full Beard
- Obscure Metal Band Tee
- Quite Mousey Voice
- Zero Sense of Humor
- Complete Lack of Knowledge on anything other than Metal Band
CONCLUSION: Just because a person plays in a Metal band, does not mean that any other aspect of their life is in any way interesting or entertaining. I can only assume that this man was bred from a family of librarians whose idea of humor and entertainment stems from an in depth knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System.
Dear Future HR Manager,
I have a four year science degree. This means that I am naturally skeptical and prefer science over faith. That being said, I completely appreciate and respect a person’s beliefs as I myself have no idea the answer to the ‘Big questions.’ I, however, have no tolerance for someone attacking my ideals.
I work for a company that is headed by a certain type of person. This person is very religious, openly homophobic and racist, and has a strong misogynistic undertone. It’s not the prime work environment for a female with a science degree who has no religious ideology and is a full supporter of the LGBT community. These are facts about me that I have made known to all of my co-workers.
A few weeks ago I was walking into my office with a co-worker and the co-owner of the company. They were having a conversation around my desk and being quite loud about it. The following words are taken verbatim from my boss (the co-owner of a company).
My Boss: “I read this book talking about the anatomy* of humans and all the things about us that resemble the cross.∞ Think about it†, God shaped our body in the shape of a cross. There are cells in our body that look like a cross and there are all kinds of evidence◊ in our anatomy that shows there had to be a creator. That shows that man was created by God.”
*At no point in this speech did he pronounce the word “anatomy” correctly.
∞ I’m certain my mouth is wide open and I’m visibly shocked that these words were just spoken. Immediately after this point I find a small spot on my computer screen to stare at and try my hardest not to audibly laugh.
† Really?! REALLY?!… Did you just say “think about it”? I guarantee that no one with a functioning brain would have ever followed your previous statement with the phrase “Think about it”
◊ This is the part that I would consider to be my logic limit. I understand that you have faith of beliefs and I respect that fact, but by presenting this nonsense as scientific evidence you have just crossed over into my territory. You’re in my playground now and I will not have you openly slander the name of science with the CRAPTROCITY that is escaping your mouth. This has to be the worst interpretation of the word evidence that has ever been uttered out loud. The very fabric of this statement rests on the idea that the crucifix came before humans. So by this logic, God made humans and designed humans to resemble the crucifix so that he could then have us torture and execute our own kind for thousands of years until one day he would send his own son to be tortured and executed. This is the most backwards view of causality possible. The crucifix was designed BY HUMANS in order to torture and execute HUMANS. OF COURSE IT IS SHAPED LIKE US!!! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A CIRCLE… OR A FUCKING FIGURE EIGHT!!! Your brain must a flaccid assortment of neurons in order to take that idea and turn it into the most backwards excuse for evidence on this planet.
Employee of the Month