How (NOT) to meet someone you idolize…

DO:

  • Presentation:You should look and smell your best. They will take one look at you and instantly decide that you need to be a part of their life.
  • Communication: Think of at least three interesting questions that no other fan has ever asked ever and a few witty quips and jokes for when they inevitably strike up a conversation about how interesting you are.
  • Practice: Make sure to practice the smile and pose you will be using when they ask to take a picture with you. You want to look good, but not steal the show. After all, there are other people waiting to meet them.

Don’t:

  • Presentation: Over dress so when they see you they will know instantly that it is a facade and not real so their opinion of you is even lower than if you showed up in your pajamas.
  • Communication: Repeat the question and jokes you are going to ask over and over in your head so you look like a psychopath. Also don’t decide on a question and say something that is a mix of all three questions so that it makes no sense. They will genuinely wonder what you were saying and now you will have their complete attention. With that attention you are going to walk away nervously repeating one of the jokes, but in the most offensive way possible.
  • Practice: Look at yourself in the mirror so much before leaving the house that you begin to invent things about your face that bother you and will be completely unnoticeable to anyone without microscopes permanently attached to their face. While you wait in line to take the picture that you paid $50 for, mess with your hair to the point where it no longer looks effortlessly done, and now looks like a fuzzy wig that you tried to make look natural. Once the picture comes up you should forget all smiles and poses that you practiced and just make a face that shows how much you can barely contain your excitement while also trying to smile. You strike a pose that looks like you were holding your breath for an hour and have all of the sudden exhaled and you completely forget what to do with your hands.

FYI: My picture was with Jason Momoa.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0597388/

Lady How to: Text Fighting

Just don’t

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First off, anything you say is going to make you sound like an unsympathetic bitch. It doesn’t matter how much you are validated in your argument or how hurt you are. You are the enemy.

The only exception to the rule is this text:

“It’s Over.”

Lady How To: Driving

No matter what, any time I demonstrate good driving techniques it goes completely unnoticed. When, however, I miss something or make a mistake, people stare into the car and upon seeing me they get this look on their face that says,” of course it’s a woman driver… typical.”

I find myself doing this as well. I’ll driver behind dozens of women and men and of all races, but the instant I’m behind some slow or irrational driver and it’s an old Asian woman I’m like, “of course it’s an old Asian woman. Way to fit the stereotype.”

Also, when I do make a mistake or piss someone off, my defense mechanism is the Beauty Pageant Smile and Wave. I pretend like them honking and flailing in my general direction is some sort of compliment and I am obliged (as a courteous and respectful woman) to accept the compliment wholly.

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)

Lady How to: Crying (know your audience)

There are many different types of crying. I am a disgusting cry-er. Just bad. It can only be described as the perfect mixture of mucus and salt water with the occasional auditory sensation that is my heaving and sniffling. I have suffered with this situation for my entire life. I then became an adolescent female, which adds the heinous crime of my crying to the light of day for all to see. It was at this stage that I learned the art of knowing my audience and using the different types of crying to my advantage. (Honestly I’m still working on it)

crying

  1. Silent Sob – This can go one of two ways. The way I do it is to hold my breath to I don’t make the horrendous noises that I normally would. This results in a very red face which is quite counterproductive. The proper way to do this is shallow breathing so you are still breathing while also not making noise
    1. Result – If used properly you give the impression of the strong silent type. Show vulnerability without complete weakness.
  2. Whimpering – An excellent tactic when in the beginning stages of a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It gets the point across while also not messing up your face for the whole night.
    1. Result – You avoid the argument that probably would have ended in failure for both parties involved and have the added benefit not being told why you were wrong. Plus you still look mildly attractive for make-up sex later.
  3. The Single Tear – This is the almighty tool of the woman. It is difficult to perfect. At first you have to practice with situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as it can be difficult. Once you’ve mastered this level you can move on to more emotional situations.
    1. Result – Perfect for dramatic effect and no matter the situation you will look like the stoic hero. A word of caution though, if you use it too often the effect will decrease until you are seen as callous or even cold.
  4. Bawling – The ultimate in crying. This is the inborn cry that all women have. You are a disgusting mess, your face is read, and no words that you think you’re saying are actually coming out as English. It is only appropriate to use this when in actual pain or when something happened that should because you pain but instead you are just furious.
    1. Result – This is a great way to get people to leave you alone. If that is what you want than this is the type of crying for you.

new-girl-crying-gif

That’s my list. If you have more types of crying to add please do. These are just a few of my favorites.