Dear Fuel Gauge,
Why is it that when my gas tank has one gallon left you suddenly stop working? Your digital screen is supposed to be more advanced and more helpful than the typical dial gauge, however, in my time of need you were no where to be found. You abandoned me. Instead of your usual reliable numeric countdown, you displayed three dashes, which, to me, can only mean that I have 30 seconds to vacate the vehicle before it explodes in the middle of I-90. For this reason we can no longer associate with one another and I will now be relying on Mileage Gauge, who has been reliably been tracking my every mile since day one.
Yours with distain,
Here are a few simple tips for beginning a new relationship. These tips are completely gender neutral and can be applied to all types of relationships between two humans. I cannot assist if your relationship is with anything humanoid, non-human, or inanimate… sorry.
- Ask yourself why you are interested in this person. Are they funny, attractive, or are you so lonely and empty inside that going on without another body next to yours is agonizing. All of these options are possibilities.
- Establish solid rules for communication. They may not need to know every time you think of them the instant it pops into your head. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto those little thoughts until later and deposit them all at once. Additionally, if you do not receive a morning and evening text, don’t assume they are waiting for you to send them. They don’t need to know the instant your eyes open, when you are hungry, and what Sue said this morning that sounded like a compliment, but the whole office knows it’s just a backhanded comment meant to make you feel bad about your new shoes (YES SUE! THESE ARE MY ONLY PAIR OF FLATS!)
- Wait at least 2 months before leaving personal items at their apartment. This tip mainly applies to the bathroom. This is a very personal space and though you want to smell and feel your best the morning after staying over, consider how you would feel if someone filled all the spaces in you bathroom with their items. At least for a while, you can suffer through waking up and knowing you have to apply deodorant in the car and make-up in the bathroom at the office. This may draw some attention from your coworkers (I’M TALKING TO YOU SUE!) Turn this into a positive water cooler topic through comments said loud enough for those around you to hear. One example of this is: “Man! Wheeeew! I am so exhausted from that movie last night. What a workout.” Your co-workers will be so enamored by your heightened mood that no one will notice you’ve worn the same outfit for three days in a row.
- Don’t mention your ex…Ever. Just don’t do it. You may say something as insignificant as, “Oh yeah. I’ve actually been here a few years ago with my ex.” and they will hear, “This place reminds me of my ex. My ex and I had so much fun. I wish you were more like my ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.”
- Be yourself. If for any reason you are changing your personality and interests to better match your partner or their friends, seriously consider whether you should be in this relationship (or any relationship at all). I don’t mean to say that you cannot change any of your habits or show interest in their habits, but don’t let them eliminate yours. The best way to measure this effect is to take an activity that you love to do when you’re single. For me that’s board games. If I’m in a relationship and the amount of board games that I play goes down, I am not in the right relationship.
Anything that makes you look like a capable and intelligent woman.
Men hate that.
In all seriousness, I have found that wearing a shirt with a collar is fine, but when combined with boots and a car with 4 wheel drive, I might as well be an anomaly that must be studied with limited interaction so as not to disturb the delicate balance of both feminine and masculine characteristics. As we all know this is a naturally unstable and volatile mixture that can explode resulting in a wide array of terrifying creations.
Yes, I go hiking, fishing, and lift heavy things. Yes, I like my pants to have functional pockets. Yes, if I were a man my dick would definitely be bigger than yours. Seems like the obvious conclusion. No reason to feel threatened.
“Is it Facebook Official?”
For the past 6 years I have been on a relationship status rollercoaster with one guy after the other almost making the grade and then falling short (figuratively and sometimes literally), and every time a man entered my life, I was asked if it was official. Not just official personally, but “Facebook official.” It is as if Facebook is the mighty site for all things true and real. For reality to have meaning it must be recorded amongst its many “Like” buttons. How do you know you have friends at all if you have never been “Poked”?
I have no idea when the transition occurred, but I recently realized that no one asks me about my life anymore. They only get their information from Facebook. I know this based on the comments I hear on the rare occasion I actually see my family and interact in the same space and time. These comments usually look sound like, “Dear, are you ok? I haven’t heard anything from you in over a month.” To which my response is, “Aunt [Insert name], We haven’t spoken since Christmas… A year ago.”
At no point is Big Brother Facebook going to know when I am in a relationship. I don’t need people who are mutual friends of a coworker from 5 years ago commenting on my life. I would be less uncomfortable if a total stranger came up to me and my boyfriend and congratulated us on our successful relationship.
PS. OMG my bae iS super hawt! hashtag 4evs