Inappropriate Workplace Topic

Dear Future HR Manager,

I have a four year science degree. This means that I am naturally skeptical and prefer science over faith. That being said, I completely appreciate and respect a person’s beliefs as I myself have no idea the answer to the ‘Big questions.’  I, however, have no tolerance for someone attacking my ideals.

I work for a company that is headed by a certain type of person. This person is very religious, openly homophobic and racist, and has a strong misogynistic undertone. It’s not the prime work environment for a female with a science degree who has no religious ideology and is a full supporter of the LGBT community. These are facts about me that I have made known to all of my co-workers.

A few weeks ago I was walking into my office with a co-worker and the co-owner of the company. They were having a conversation around my desk and being quite loud about it. The following words are taken verbatim from my boss (the co-owner of a company).

My Boss: “I read this book talking about the anatomy* of humans and all the things about us that resemble the cross.∞ Think about it†, God shaped our body in the shape of a cross. There are cells in our body that look like a cross and there are all kinds of evidence◊ in our anatomy that shows there had to be a creator. That shows that man was created by God.”

*At no point in this speech did he pronounce the word “anatomy” correctly.

∞ I’m certain my mouth is wide open and I’m visibly shocked that these words were just spoken. Immediately after this point I find a small spot on my computer screen to stare at and try my hardest not to audibly laugh.

† Really?!   REALLY?!… Did you just say “think about it”? I guarantee that no one with a functioning brain would have ever followed your previous statement with the phrase “Think about it”

◊ This is the part that I would consider to be my logic limit. I understand that you have faith of beliefs and I respect that fact, but by presenting this nonsense as scientific evidence you have just crossed over into my territory. You’re in my playground now and I will not have you openly slander the name of science with the CRAPTROCITY that is escaping your mouth. This has to be the worst interpretation of the word evidence that has ever been uttered out loud. The very fabric of this statement rests on the idea that the crucifix came before humans. So by this logic, God made humans and designed humans to resemble the crucifix so that he could then have us torture and execute our own kind for thousands of years until one day he would send his own son to be tortured and executed. This is the most backwards view of causality possible. The crucifix was designed BY HUMANS in order to torture and execute HUMANS. OF COURSE IT IS SHAPED LIKE US!!! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A CIRCLE… OR A FUCKING FIGURE EIGHT!!! Your brain must a flaccid assortment of neurons in order to take that idea and turn it into the most backwards excuse for evidence on this planet.

Yours Truly,

Employee of the Month

Biopsy of a Date: The Morning

  1. You had way more to drink than you thought.
  2. That Mexican food is not your friend.
  3. Your actual friends were not smiling with approval of your choice.
  4. You found the one guy in the whole bar who most resembles Shrek.
  5. You will never live this down
  6. Never
  7. Ever
  8. … Ever

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Rinse and Repeat.

Biopsy of a Date: First Meeting

You have now entered the realm of talking to strangers. You scan the room and ascertaining which of the attractive people are attainable or not. This will change your tactics drastically. With any Featured imageluck there are a multitude of tall beardy men in the room with no women that they are paying particularly intense attention to. With any luck the same friends who invited you out so you can start to meet people again will also allow you to sit at the bar alone for a reasonable enough amount of time so any interested men may come up and say something deliciously awkward.

Three drinks in and still no response. Time to deploy the move to the next room. Maybe if you are around friends and say funny things loud enough someone will be interested enough to make momentary eye contact and you can pursue at a later time in the night. Repeat this step the necessary amount of time for you to look interesting while also not being obnoxious. Eventually your friends will stop playing this game and someone else will want to talk at some point in the evening. Continue reading

Biopsy of a Date: Preparation

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Typical preparation includes, but is not limited to:

  1. Remove every hair on your body. If there is a hair out of place, remove it with extreme prejudice. There are going to humans at this place. Male humans no less. You are not about to present anything other than the very best you have to offer. Maybe one of these times one of these male humans will get a chance to inspect these well-groomed areas, but probably not.
  2. Eliminate all blemishes. These preparations vary depending on the amount of preparation time.
    1. If you have multiple days, an intensive array of creams and masks will do the trick (unless like me you fail to see how any of those products have any effect and are probably just a chemical bath of relaxing smells meant to trick you into being calm and assuming everyone can tell that you tried.)
    2. If you have one day to prepare, the evening before or morning of the big outing feel free to manually remove all blemishes. You may look red and puffy for the next hour but by the time you are ready to go out these issues will have cleared up (hopefully.) Continue reading

Biopsy of a Date: An indepth guide into the awesome world of dating

Nightlife chicago

Awesome: Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear

Date: the day of the month or year as specified by a number

Biopsy: An examination of tissue removed from a living body to discover the presence, cause, or extent of a disease.

The date as a concept is not flawed, however the flaws are innate with the addition of humans. Humans have brains, and with that brain, can choose whether or not they would like to use it or save it for the regret that will inevitably follow.

Here you are… You have finally gotten to the point where your friends are consistently asking you to come out and have fun for a night without the fear that you will probably cancel at the last-minute to wait at home until your true love comes rapping at the door yearning, just as you do, for the company that only one can provide. They have asked you out for the third consecutive weekend and you have obliged with the eagerness that can only be matched by childhood anticipation of spring. This solidifies your status as the single friend who is now ready to “get out there.”

So get out there…