Speechless


 

Warning: The following post is fueled by pure rage and therefore may contain some grammatical errors and misplaced punctuations. I apologize in advance.


Today my co-worker said, “Foreign f@!#. She needs to get smacked by her
husband.”tumblr_lfml23eiNE1qa1tl9o1_250

 


I have no words to describe the anger that rushed over me the instant I heard that said aloud. I was so angry I was shaking and the only words out of my mouth were “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

It doesn’t matter what situation brought on that disgraceful speech.

 

To make matters worse, which at the time I did not know was possible, in seeing my amazement and disgust with the filth that just evacuated his face hole… he tried to pass it off as a joke and that I was too sensitive to understand. He said “You have to get thicker skin. This is the culture we are in with this industry, and people will make jokes like that all the time. Welcome to logistics.”

I give zero shits about the industry I work in and/or a person’s sense of humor. At no point is it acceptable to suggest that a woman needs to be beaten by her husband to teach her a lesson. AT NO POINT IS THAT OKAY!

He has a daughter. This pathetic burlap sack of testosterone and rotting teeth…. This shitastic sub-human craptrocity that even Gandhi would slap…. This Neo-Nazi trapped in an elephant’s body has a daughter?!tumblr_lbvabxXijT1qbi71b

The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)

Lady How to: Crying (know your audience)

There are many different types of crying. I am a disgusting cry-er. Just bad. It can only be described as the perfect mixture of mucus and salt water with the occasional auditory sensation that is my heaving and sniffling. I have suffered with this situation for my entire life. I then became an adolescent female, which adds the heinous crime of my crying to the light of day for all to see. It was at this stage that I learned the art of knowing my audience and using the different types of crying to my advantage. (Honestly I’m still working on it)

crying

  1. Silent Sob – This can go one of two ways. The way I do it is to hold my breath to I don’t make the horrendous noises that I normally would. This results in a very red face which is quite counterproductive. The proper way to do this is shallow breathing so you are still breathing while also not making noise
    1. Result – If used properly you give the impression of the strong silent type. Show vulnerability without complete weakness.
  2. Whimpering – An excellent tactic when in the beginning stages of a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It gets the point across while also not messing up your face for the whole night.
    1. Result – You avoid the argument that probably would have ended in failure for both parties involved and have the added benefit not being told why you were wrong. Plus you still look mildly attractive for make-up sex later.
  3. The Single Tear – This is the almighty tool of the woman. It is difficult to perfect. At first you have to practice with situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as it can be difficult. Once you’ve mastered this level you can move on to more emotional situations.
    1. Result – Perfect for dramatic effect and no matter the situation you will look like the stoic hero. A word of caution though, if you use it too often the effect will decrease until you are seen as callous or even cold.
  4. Bawling – The ultimate in crying. This is the inborn cry that all women have. You are a disgusting mess, your face is read, and no words that you think you’re saying are actually coming out as English. It is only appropriate to use this when in actual pain or when something happened that should because you pain but instead you are just furious.
    1. Result – This is a great way to get people to leave you alone. If that is what you want than this is the type of crying for you.

new-girl-crying-gif

That’s my list. If you have more types of crying to add please do. These are just a few of my favorites.