The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

Lady How To: The Boob Itch

This is an in-depth look into the different ways to itch your favorite ladies.

  1. The Shimmy
    1. This move is mostly in the shoulders. It starts with a subtle shoulder shake to find exactly where the itch is hiding. Once located shimmy more violently until the collision of your ladies is enough to take care of that pestering itch.
  2. The Big Squeeze
    1. This itch involves the arms squishing the boobs together. If done correctly it looks like your simply stretching your shoulders. If done improperly you look like you’re squishing your boobs together in some sort of odd mating ritual.
  3. The Brush Up
    1. This is used for those itches located at the front of your chest. It’s a movement similar to a disco dance move, but with the limp hand of someone truly disinterested. Unlike the aforementioned disco move, do not do this repeatedly as it will certainly draw attention, which defeats the purpose.
  4. Just Go for It
    1. Pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes you just have to scratch that itch. It’s not the most lady-like option, but who cares. There is no at work you need to impress, plus you walked out of the door without eyeliner today so obviously you set the bar low.

Hardware Store Shenanigans: Cute Manly Girl

As a woman who worked in a hardware store I was pretty used to dealing with people assuming I couldn’t do anything. On this day I was working on the roof top garden and just doing my job. A man came up and began asking me about the mulch options.

“Yes of course. We have many options of mulch. You can go with cedar mulch, which can be a natural pesticide. We also have a wide variety of colored mulch, but be careful as it may stain the trunk of your car.”

As the customer was weighing his options I took that opportunity to run to the main floor.

When I came back I found out that he had noticed my leaving and before leaving asked the cashier “Where is the cute manly girl? I wanted her to load my mulch.”

  1. You are a full grown adult. You can load your own mulch.
  2. Did you seriously just say you wanted to watch me load your mulch?! That is just fowl.
  3. “Cute Manly Girl”? How is that supposed to be flattering? Just because I’m not weak and I know about mulch?

So Bad…

OKC Experiments: Role-Play Mayhem

Hypothesis: If an attractive man leaves you and message that is both funny and interesting, than it is probably too good to be true.

Control: Begin a conversation with the attractive man who messaged you on OKC with a few jokes and video game references.

Independent: His responses and whether or not he asks you on a date.

Results: These messages began as cute little jokes with mild flirting and plenty of Batman references. These did eventually lead to numbers being exchanged and the flirting to be a bit more intense. At some point he decided that being the attractive and funny nerd that I was experiencing was no longer going to happen and the “freaky shit” began to show. This led to a severe change in these conversations that would end with me trying to maintain what I thought was a good start to a relationship while also not sending any pictures or any further personal information until I was sure this guy wasn’t going to show up at my apartment in full role-play mode wanting to play Joker and Harley Quinn in every disturbing detail.

Conclusion:

  1. No I am not going to send you pictures when I have never actually seen your face.
  2. I don’t want to see your “Robin”… Batman. (and stop trying to sound like Adam West)
  3. I have no interest in introducing you to my cats as I know they will disapprove.
  4. I am clearly not cut out for this dating life.
  5. I am going to actively not respond to any further messages as I am thoroughly creeped out.
  6. Definitely too good to be true (damn)

Post Comments: This person recently found me on Facebook (even though no names or other personal information was shared). I attempted to determine why I was so thrown off by him the first time we spoke. I have now been reminded why I lock all possible way to enter my house when I am alone at home.

Inappropriate Workplace Topic

Dear Future HR Manager,

I have a four year science degree. This means that I am naturally skeptical and prefer science over faith. That being said, I completely appreciate and respect a person’s beliefs as I myself have no idea the answer to the ‘Big questions.’  I, however, have no tolerance for someone attacking my ideals.

I work for a company that is headed by a certain type of person. This person is very religious, openly homophobic and racist, and has a strong misogynistic undertone. It’s not the prime work environment for a female with a science degree who has no religious ideology and is a full supporter of the LGBT community. These are facts about me that I have made known to all of my co-workers.

A few weeks ago I was walking into my office with a co-worker and the co-owner of the company. They were having a conversation around my desk and being quite loud about it. The following words are taken verbatim from my boss (the co-owner of a company).

My Boss: “I read this book talking about the anatomy* of humans and all the things about us that resemble the cross.∞ Think about it†, God shaped our body in the shape of a cross. There are cells in our body that look like a cross and there are all kinds of evidence◊ in our anatomy that shows there had to be a creator. That shows that man was created by God.”

*At no point in this speech did he pronounce the word “anatomy” correctly.

∞ I’m certain my mouth is wide open and I’m visibly shocked that these words were just spoken. Immediately after this point I find a small spot on my computer screen to stare at and try my hardest not to audibly laugh.

† Really?!   REALLY?!… Did you just say “think about it”? I guarantee that no one with a functioning brain would have ever followed your previous statement with the phrase “Think about it”

◊ This is the part that I would consider to be my logic limit. I understand that you have faith of beliefs and I respect that fact, but by presenting this nonsense as scientific evidence you have just crossed over into my territory. You’re in my playground now and I will not have you openly slander the name of science with the CRAPTROCITY that is escaping your mouth. This has to be the worst interpretation of the word evidence that has ever been uttered out loud. The very fabric of this statement rests on the idea that the crucifix came before humans. So by this logic, God made humans and designed humans to resemble the crucifix so that he could then have us torture and execute our own kind for thousands of years until one day he would send his own son to be tortured and executed. This is the most backwards view of causality possible. The crucifix was designed BY HUMANS in order to torture and execute HUMANS. OF COURSE IT IS SHAPED LIKE US!!! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A CIRCLE… OR A FUCKING FIGURE EIGHT!!! Your brain must a flaccid assortment of neurons in order to take that idea and turn it into the most backwards excuse for evidence on this planet.

Yours Truly,

Employee of the Month