The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

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Official sans Facebook

“Is it Facebook Official?”

For the past 6 years I have been on a relationship status rollercoaster with one guy after the other almost making the grade and then falling short (figuratively and sometimes literally), and every time a man entered my life, I was asked if it was official. Not just official personally, but “Facebook official.” It is as if Facebook is the mighty site for all things true and real. For reality to have meaning it must be recorded amongst its many “Like” buttons. How do you know you have friends at all if you have never been “Poked”?

I have no idea when the transition occurred, but I recently realized that no one asks me about my life anymore. They only get their information from Facebook. I know this based on the comments I hear on the rare occasion I actually see my family and interact in the same space and time. These comments usually look sound like, “Dear, are you ok? I haven’t heard anything from you in over a month.” To which my response is, “Aunt [Insert name], We haven’t spoken since Christmas… A year ago.”

At no point is Big Brother Facebook going to know when I am in a relationship. I don’t need people who are mutual friends of a coworker from 5 years ago commenting on my life. I would be less uncomfortable if a total stranger came up to me and my boyfriend and congratulated us on our successful relationship.

PS. OMG my bae iS super hawt! hashtag 4evs

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)

Lady How to: Crying (know your audience)

There are many different types of crying. I am a disgusting cry-er. Just bad. It can only be described as the perfect mixture of mucus and salt water with the occasional auditory sensation that is my heaving and sniffling. I have suffered with this situation for my entire life. I then became an adolescent female, which adds the heinous crime of my crying to the light of day for all to see. It was at this stage that I learned the art of knowing my audience and using the different types of crying to my advantage. (Honestly I’m still working on it)

crying

  1. Silent Sob – This can go one of two ways. The way I do it is to hold my breath to I don’t make the horrendous noises that I normally would. This results in a very red face which is quite counterproductive. The proper way to do this is shallow breathing so you are still breathing while also not making noise
    1. Result – If used properly you give the impression of the strong silent type. Show vulnerability without complete weakness.
  2. Whimpering – An excellent tactic when in the beginning stages of a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It gets the point across while also not messing up your face for the whole night.
    1. Result – You avoid the argument that probably would have ended in failure for both parties involved and have the added benefit not being told why you were wrong. Plus you still look mildly attractive for make-up sex later.
  3. The Single Tear – This is the almighty tool of the woman. It is difficult to perfect. At first you have to practice with situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as it can be difficult. Once you’ve mastered this level you can move on to more emotional situations.
    1. Result – Perfect for dramatic effect and no matter the situation you will look like the stoic hero. A word of caution though, if you use it too often the effect will decrease until you are seen as callous or even cold.
  4. Bawling – The ultimate in crying. This is the inborn cry that all women have. You are a disgusting mess, your face is read, and no words that you think you’re saying are actually coming out as English. It is only appropriate to use this when in actual pain or when something happened that should because you pain but instead you are just furious.
    1. Result – This is a great way to get people to leave you alone. If that is what you want than this is the type of crying for you.

new-girl-crying-gif

That’s my list. If you have more types of crying to add please do. These are just a few of my favorites.

Lady How To: The Boob Itch

This is an in-depth look into the different ways to itch your favorite ladies.

  1. The Shimmy
    1. This move is mostly in the shoulders. It starts with a subtle shoulder shake to find exactly where the itch is hiding. Once located shimmy more violently until the collision of your ladies is enough to take care of that pestering itch.
  2. The Big Squeeze
    1. This itch involves the arms squishing the boobs together. If done correctly it looks like your simply stretching your shoulders. If done improperly you look like you’re squishing your boobs together in some sort of odd mating ritual.
  3. The Brush Up
    1. This is used for those itches located at the front of your chest. It’s a movement similar to a disco dance move, but with the limp hand of someone truly disinterested. Unlike the aforementioned disco move, do not do this repeatedly as it will certainly draw attention, which defeats the purpose.
  4. Just Go for It
    1. Pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes you just have to scratch that itch. It’s not the most lady-like option, but who cares. There is no at work you need to impress, plus you walked out of the door without eyeliner today so obviously you set the bar low.

Biopsy of a Date: An indepth guide into the awesome world of dating

Nightlife chicago

Awesome: Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear


Date: the day of the month or year as specified by a number


Biopsy: An examination of tissue removed from a living body to discover the presence, cause, or extent of a disease.


The date as a concept is not flawed, however the flaws are innate with the addition of humans. Humans have brains, and with that brain, can choose whether or not they would like to use it or save it for the regret that will inevitably follow.

Here you are… You have finally gotten to the point where your friends are consistently asking you to come out and have fun for a night without the fear that you will probably cancel at the last-minute to wait at home until your true love comes rapping at the door yearning, just as you do, for the company that only one can provide. They have asked you out for the third consecutive weekend and you have obliged with the eagerness that can only be matched by childhood anticipation of spring. This solidifies your status as the single friend who is now ready to “get out there.”

So get out there…