Attempting Sober Day 3

It is day three of not drinking. Technically it has been four days since my first post, but I messed up a bit and therefore its 3 actual sober days. As Professor X eloquently stated, “Just because someone stumbles and loses their path, doesn’t mean they are lost forever.”

I took another step today by telling my former drinking buddy about my choice. I say former drinking buddy not because my sobriety has removed this from my life, but because he decided he needed to “clean up his life” and therefore he removed me and all of our friends from college from his life (completely). So when I spoke to him I expected some sort of understanding statement at the very least. Instead I was presented with the same child I knew so well in college.

Me – “Well I’ve actually decided to stop drinking.”

Him – “Huh wow, That’s boring… but ok.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I spent 5 years of my life with this person (and unfortunately in love with this person) only to be told earlier this summer that he couldn’t hang out with me because his mom (he is 26… his mom should have nothing to do with it) said I was a bad influence. Now that I decide that I’m not going to drink anymore he wants to shoot me down? This guy was obviously not the model character to begin with, but I really was expecting something more.

It’s funny how scared people are of sobriety. Talk about showing True Colors. To be continued…

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Attempting Sober Day 2

Well that was not the most convincing display of sobriety I’ve ever produced. My failure mostly lies in wanting to impress the family of my boyfriend (let’s call him . . . Hanz). It was a gathering of hip young people with tattoos and lip piercings drinking IPAs and pretending to enjoy them. It was the sort of group where one’s standing was determined by the size of your beard or the obscurity of your record collection; certainly not the sort of group to be impressed by a newly reformed alcoholic with no grand and telling story of their struggles through life with alcohol.

I tried the “only-water” technique, and noticed I was quickly being ostracized as The Non-Drinker of the group. There were no soda options either that could mask my sobriety. So I chose the socially acceptable option of grabbing a beer and holding onto it taking small sips so as to not feel any effect. I even drank lite beer so it was less tasty and therefore I would be less likely to drink it.

Why did I feel embarrassed to not be drinking? And why did I let those feelings push me to drink, even for a second?

On a more positive note, I did take all of the alcohol in my house and dump it out; 13 beers and ¼ of a bottle of rum (but who’s counting). It was actually therapeutic in a stressful kind of way. I felt, to a lesser extent, like a hoarder who was being forced to choose between their beloved collections of used up napkins and their family. The beer and rum smelled great and I didn’t realize it then, but I was holding my breath the entire time is went down the drain. With that in mind it would seem that the choice to stop drinking is a good one for me. We shall see how Hanz handles this change… To be continued

Attempting Sober Day 1

No one believes me. 

The first person I told was my dad.  He laughed.
“I’m going to stop drinking.”



Is that really a ridiculous question worth laughing at or is it the concept of me not drinking that moves people to laughter? I suppose the fact that on the first day of this adventure I happen to be quite hung-over may cause some people to doubt my resolve, which us understandable. At the height of my drinking I could drink half a bottle of vodka on my own in one night.  I could drink a bottle of wine and then get up to get another (by myself). I have since stopped drinking that much (and never alone), but it’s not enough. When I do drink, I don’t stop.  I don’t drink because I like the taste.  I don’t drink because I have social anxiety.  I drink to get drunk and I do it often.  I think it makes me funnier or more attractive, but what it really does is it takes away the impulse not to say or do the things in my head.

My father once described his alcoholism like this. “I never did anything when I was drunk that I was proud of the next day.” That is the truest statement about drinking I have ever heard.  I drink and suddenly men are all attractive, and my ex needs an immediate update on my emotional stability (via text). It’s a neurotoxin and it affects every aspect of my life.  I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man and I’ve realized that our relationship is based on drinking. We met over drinks and drink every time we hang out.  I have already forgotten many dates and wake up at his place with no memory of how I got there.  He is a wonderful man, but he doesn’t know me.  Not really.  He knows the version of me that is drunk and outgoing and flirty.  When I’m not drunk I’m not very affectionate, and I feel guilty about that, so I drink to feel emotions for him when really I have no more emotions to give.  I spent them all on my last heartbreak and I have no idea how to get them back.  Therefore this endeavor to end my drinking will most likely include the end of this relationship, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I’m tired of waking up with no memory of the night before.
I’m tired of hangovers.
I’m tired of hating myself the next day when I do remember the night’s events.
I’m tired of spending my paychecks in the liquor aisle.
I’m tired of risking my life when I drive home.
I’m tired of skipping meals so I have calories for going out.


So now, on the lighter side, I will now begin chronicling my new life without drinking. The above points are the things I hate about my drinking.  It is my goal to eliminate ever one of them from my life.  It will not be easy or fun, but it will be better.

Tonight I am going out with my boyfriend to meet his sister who lives in Chicago. It is the first of many challenges I will face on this journey, but certainly not the toughest.  As I mentioned before I am quite hung-over and the thought of drinking (or opening my eyes for that matter) is simply nauseating.  It will, however, be an experiment in how people react to me not drinking.  I am supposed to be making new friends and impressing my boyfriend’s family.  This is a difficult task even when smoothed over by alcohol, so now with it just being me; we shall see how it goes.

Wish me luck. To be continued…

 

The Evolution of Awkward

Awkward: 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with 2. Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience 3. Not smooth or graceful; ungainly

Prenatal-1yr

The prenatal stage is included because her actions as she is carrying you would normally be a source of awkwardness; however, since she is pregnant, many of those issues go out the window. Thus is the miracle of life.

Being a newborn baby is the least awkward you will ever be. You are a baby, and as such you have no knowledge of the social stigmas that surround you every day. You baby memehave the unique ability to poop, vomit, scream, and d
to pretty much follow through on your every whim without the negative symptoms of being socially aware. Enjoy it while it lasts.

2yr-4yr

Between the ages of 2 and 4 you slowly realize that the actions you take have an effect on those around you. I should mention that even though children at this age are aware they are doing the wrong thing; they often do not care and will continue with what they are doing until parental corrective action is taken.

5yr-8yr

This is the age when children begin to interact heavily with other children. They are beginning to realize that there are social consequences for their actions. Their peers will not be as forgiving as family is and they have the power to either lift you up or drag you down. The effects of this are not long lasting as children at this age tend to get over this fairly quickly, however major blunders can be devastating and have lasting effects. An example of this would be wetting the bed. It is not easy to get over the trauma of wetting the bed at your first sleepover, and the impact of that could carry into adulthood.

9yr-13yr

An interesting and dramatic shift occurs at this age. Children begin to gain most of their self-worth from the opinions of their friends and classmates and very little from their family and parents. Though they still look to their parents for the familiar and simple pleasures, such as fishing or watching a favorite movie, they tend not to dwell on these moments as it can be seen as childish and weak. It is at this time that one’s raw and untamed awkwardness comes out. Interests that you once thought were cool are now taboo and social stigmas and stereotypes are put in place of actual feelings. Girls are meant to be girly and boys or meant to be boyish and any divergence from this path will lead to unrelenting ridicule. Basically, children are cruel.

14yr-17yrnerdy-teen

You are now a “young adult” and are experiencing the confidence of knowing that you know everything, with the inexperience of actually knowing nothing. It is at this stage in life that you are the worst possible version of yourself. You gain all of your self-worth from your peers. Everything about you from your clothes, hair, intellect, and even speech patterns are scrutinized and whittled down to fit the specific niche that you have chosen for yourself. This niche will change over time, but the basic principle will remain the same. This is also the age at which you become incredibly aware of your genitalia, others genitalia, and how you think that genitalia should interact. It takes on its own persona that is equal parts aggressive, passionate, and leaky…  As your brain attempts to comprehend what is happening in your pants, your skin decides to reenact the Jurassic period. Strange topographic features begin to emerge where once there were smooth plains. For some, small outcrops of vegetation attempt to grow, but are unevenly spread and often sparse. The whole surface can at times be covered by large oil slicks. The only hope for the future is that in a few years this will have ended and you will be able to normalize these extreme features.

18yr-20yr

You are now an adult (legally) and as such you have gained a sort of higher standing amongst the younger classmates. Many have tried alcohol and a few have ventured into the unknown world of genitalia action. Though you are probably terrible at both endeavors, you now get a chance to practice and be mildly forgiven since mentally you are still a child. You are old enough to be entitled and have had years of practice annoying your parents that you now have it down to a science. You are also about to enter a new stage where you go from being top dog in High School, to bottom of the totem pole in College. You ego is now shot. You just spent 4 years of your life tirelessly working for the approval of your peers and all of a sudden you are in a new environment where you are not only the youngest, but you have the least self-awareness of anyone on the entire campus. You have to figure out who you are without the comfort of having familiar people backing you up and telling you that your decisions are valid. The goal is no longer to be cool, but to be educated. People who are more well-read are seen as higher in the hierarchical scale as they can converse with the confidence of adults while maintaining the added benefit of being young and attractive. Not all people take this route as many in college choose to party and find that to be an admirable quality. I consider this to be a latent continuation of the previous stage that, unfortunately, some never grow out of.

21yr-25yr

You have explored the realm of ‘drunking until you are drink’ and survived. You now have an established group of friends that you gained over the years in different classes or social groups. You may be awkward, but so are they. You say the little things that come to your head with the ease and confidence of someone who knows that even though they will make fun of you and bring it up on a later date, those comments and quirks are why they keep you around in the first place. The true awkwardness of this stage is the point at which you realize that your entire family has been waiting until you have a steady income and a place of your own to bring up the subject of starting a family of your own. You had not realized until now, but most of your older family members are married with children, and even a few of your friends are beginning to settle down. Now you get to take all of that confidence you have around your friends and try to translate it into a relationship. No matter where you meet a significant other, it always begins with the strange things you say around your friends. If they pick up on those subtle cues all is lost. If, however, you find someone who gets the cues and throws them back at you, then you found a keeper. Just don’t bring them up at Thanksgiving unless you intend to spend the entire evening explaining why two months is way too soon to be talking about baby names.

socially-awkward-people-eye-contact

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)