Dear Employer

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Dear Employer,

Thank you for allowing me to work 14 hours every day for a minimal salary that does not account for overtime. I really love the way you make me feel appreciated when I work at 3am by calling me at 7am and promptly yelling at me. I particularly enjoy spending what few hours I have to myself in the morning listening to you degrade me and my work simply because I am female. I would also like to mention how much I want to work over the weekend and how great it is that you wait until 6pm on Friday to mention to me that I do so.

If I may make a suggestion, don’t worry about treating me like a human being who would like to enjoy what is left of their summer with people they actually enjoy being around, and certainly don’t worry about any plans or classes I may have that I’ve spent money on. I can tell through your lack of communication that you are concerned about that aspect of my life, and I wouldn’t want you to have to go out of your way to have any sort of sympathy or compassion for someone as lowly as I.

I understand that as a female in the workplace my position is that of a brainless, spineless, robot and I cannot possibly understand how hard you work every day on the golf course. My lady hands could not possible handle the arduous task of enjoying such a game and I understand that it is a real chore for you. I only hope that my smaller that average brain and feminine sensibilities do not disrupt the workplace. I will work harder to improve myself and aspire to think and act more like a man.

Sincerely,

The Only Employee You Have with a College Degreefeminist-killjoygiphy

Lady How to: Starting a New Relationship

Here are a few simple tips for beginning a new relationship. These tips are completely gender neutral and can be applied to all types of relationships between two humans. I cannot assist if your relationship is with anything humanoid, non-human, or inanimate… sorry.

  1. Ask yourself why you are interested in this person. Are they funny, attractive, or are you so lonely and empty inside that going on without another body next to yours is agonizing. All of these options are possibilities.
  2. Establish solid rules for communication. They may not need to know every time you think of them the instant it pops into your head. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto those little thoughts until later and deposit them all at once. thT56B6703Additionally, if you do not receive a morning and evening text, don’t assume they are waiting for you to send them. They don’t need to know the instant your eyes open, when you are hungry, and what Sue said this morning that sounded like a compliment, but the whole office knows it’s just a backhanded comment meant to make you feel bad about your new shoes (YES SUE! THESE ARE MY ONLY PAIR OF FLATS!)
  3. Wait at least 2 months before leaving personal items at their apartment. This tip mainly applies to the bathroom. This is a very personal space and though you want to smell and feel your best the morning after staying over, consider how you would feel if someone filled all the spaces in you bathroom with their items. At least for a while, you can suffer through waking up and knowing you have to apply deodorant in the car and make-up in the bathroom at the office. This may draw some attention from your coworkers (I’M TALKING TO YOU SUE!) Turn this into a positive water cooler topic through comments said loud enough for those around you to hear. One example of this is: “Man! Wheeeew! I am so exhausted from that movie last night. What a workout.” Your co-workers will be so enamored by your heightened mood that no one will notice you’ve worn the same outfit for three days in a row.
  4. Don’t mention your ex…Ever. Just don’t do it. You may say something as insignificant as, “Oh yeah. I’ve actually been here a few years ago with my ex.” and they will hear, “This place reminds me of my ex. My ex and I had so much fun. I wish you were more like my ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.”

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  1. Be yourself. If for any reason you are changing your personality and interests to better match your partner or their friends, seriously consider whether you should be in this relationship (or any relationship at all). I don’t mean to say that you cannot change any of your habits or show interest in their habits, but don’t let them eliminate yours. The best way to measure this effect is to take an activity that you love to do when you’re single. For me that’s board games. If I’m in a relationship and the amount of board games that I play goes down, I am not in the right relationship.

The perfect outfit for repulsing men Part 2

Anything that makes you look like a capable and intelligent woman.

Men hate that.

In all seriousness, I have found that wearing a shirt with a collar is fine, but when combined with boots and a car with 4 wheel drive, I might as well be an anomaly that must be studied with limited interaction so as not to disturb the delicate balance of both feminine and masculine characteristics. As we all know this is a naturally unstable and volatile mixture that can explode resulting in a wide array of terrifying creations.

Yes, I go hiking, fishing, and lift heavy things. Yes, I like my pants to have functional pockets. Yes, if I were a man my dick would definitely be bigger than yours. Seems like the obvious conclusion. No reason to feel threatened.

Lady How To: Driving

No matter what, any time I demonstrate good driving techniques it goes completely unnoticed. When, however, I miss something or make a mistake, people stare into the car and upon seeing me they get this look on their face that says,” of course it’s a woman driver… typical.”

I find myself doing this as well. I’ll driver behind dozens of women and men and of all races, but the instant I’m behind some slow or irrational driver and it’s an old Asian woman I’m like, “of course it’s an old Asian woman. Way to fit the stereotype.”

Also, when I do make a mistake or piss someone off, my defense mechanism is the Beauty Pageant Smile and Wave. I pretend like them honking and flailing in my general direction is some sort of compliment and I am obliged (as a courteous and respectful woman) to accept the compliment wholly.

The perfect outfit for repulsing men

This is what I was wearing today, and I realized halfway through the day that it was not an outfit that would lend itself to dating.

Picture this: Pleated Charcoal Trousers, Blue Plaid Button up shirt, simple pony tail and my big nerd glasses.

Plus I ordered Panera and drive a Subaru…

I either look like a mom who started the day with a nice blouse and ended with baby spit-up on the nice shirt so I threw the old plaid shirt over it.

OR

I look like a lesbian who tried to class up the regular plaid shirt with the pleated trousers… and failed.

Either way, not good for flirting with guys

Lady How to: Drinking

What kind of drinker are you? As you have probably figured out, I love lists. This being the case, I thought it would be appropriate to describe each item in the state at which I describe. Enjoy

  1. Sober – In this state you are at your most “normal”. You act how you would normally act to different situations. This is the perfect state of mind if you are about to run into an ex at a party and you don’t want to wake up with all of the regrets.
  2. Tipsy – “What a great party!” You understand that there are some awkward situations, but you’re working on it and being a humorous human being and trying to hold it together. I mean it’s not that bad.
  3. Feeling Good” – What awkward situations?! You are having a great time with some great people. Sure maybe one of them broke you heart and shit on it repeatedly, but who cares? You were friends before so “be friends now.”
  4. Drunk – He is still attractive. I mean I could just bump into him a couple times and feel his arm… maybe smell his cologne. Its innocent flirting and also I miss it.
  5. Drunker – Touching the man who crushed you. Feeling and pain of heart break along with the drunken honesty that tells you that you are obviously not over him yet. I mean you tried dating but that is just not working out.
  6. Sloppy – I love him. I love him. I still love him.
  7. Black Out – What the fuck did I just do?! Awh Shit… Did I just do that? I’m pathetic.
  8. Hangover – Start making excuses for yourself and your obvious issues with your ex… He is your ex for a reason.

If you can relate to this tell me your story. Guy or Gal… We are all like this at our base form… (I hope)