Hardware Store Shenanigans: The Depot Olympics

Remember when you were young and the cardboard tube was the ultimate in entertainment. You were all of the sudden a knight or ninja (or in my case a Jedi Master). Well at the Depot these tubes are in abundance as every outdoor rug has one at the center. One fine evening I was closing the roof top garden with a couple coworkers and we came across one of these tubes. Not only did we find one such item but it was the most spectacular of cardboard tubes that could exist. It was about the length of a javelin and was far sturdier than any from my childhood.

For the next 90 minutes we practiced for the Olympics by throwing this tube across like the javelin it resembled. Though I am not in any way skilled in this art, I did get in a couple good throws. It was the moment that this tube nearly careened off of the roof onto the busy street below that I realized we would probably be fined for injuring any cars on the street below and would certainly be fired if that did indeed happen that we decided to leave it to the professionals.

One of the men on that roof with me was later promoted to be my supervisor.

Hardware Store Shenanigans: Cute Manly Girl

As a woman who worked in a hardware store I was pretty used to dealing with people assuming I couldn’t do anything. On this day I was working on the roof top garden and just doing my job. A man came up and began asking me about the mulch options.

“Yes of course. We have many options of mulch. You can go with cedar mulch, which can be a natural pesticide. We also have a wide variety of colored mulch, but be careful as it may stain the trunk of your car.”

As the customer was weighing his options I took that opportunity to run to the main floor.

When I came back I found out that he had noticed my leaving and before leaving asked the cashier “Where is the cute manly girl? I wanted her to load my mulch.”

  1. You are a full grown adult. You can load your own mulch.
  2. Did you seriously just say you wanted to watch me load your mulch?! That is just fowl.
  3. “Cute Manly Girl”? How is that supposed to be flattering? Just because I’m not weak and I know about mulch?

So Bad…

Unexpected Benefits of a Science Degree

Ever have that moment at work were you realize that all of your money and schooling and years of papers and finals led up to a job that has nothing to do with your major and instead you use your degree to annoy and bore the woman who does your nails?

“Oh… this new style is called granite? I can see that. These pink flakes would be the potassium feldspar. You know… feldspar actually comes in a variety of colors and is only pink when the mineral composition includes potassium. If it were white it would include calcium.”

Thanks Earth and Environmental Science Degree

Inappropriate Workplace Topic

Dear Future HR Manager,

I have a four year science degree. This means that I am naturally skeptical and prefer science over faith. That being said, I completely appreciate and respect a person’s beliefs as I myself have no idea the answer to the ‘Big questions.’  I, however, have no tolerance for someone attacking my ideals.

I work for a company that is headed by a certain type of person. This person is very religious, openly homophobic and racist, and has a strong misogynistic undertone. It’s not the prime work environment for a female with a science degree who has no religious ideology and is a full supporter of the LGBT community. These are facts about me that I have made known to all of my co-workers.

A few weeks ago I was walking into my office with a co-worker and the co-owner of the company. They were having a conversation around my desk and being quite loud about it. The following words are taken verbatim from my boss (the co-owner of a company).

My Boss: “I read this book talking about the anatomy* of humans and all the things about us that resemble the cross.∞ Think about it†, God shaped our body in the shape of a cross. There are cells in our body that look like a cross and there are all kinds of evidence◊ in our anatomy that shows there had to be a creator. That shows that man was created by God.”

*At no point in this speech did he pronounce the word “anatomy” correctly.

∞ I’m certain my mouth is wide open and I’m visibly shocked that these words were just spoken. Immediately after this point I find a small spot on my computer screen to stare at and try my hardest not to audibly laugh.

† Really?!   REALLY?!… Did you just say “think about it”? I guarantee that no one with a functioning brain would have ever followed your previous statement with the phrase “Think about it”

◊ This is the part that I would consider to be my logic limit. I understand that you have faith of beliefs and I respect that fact, but by presenting this nonsense as scientific evidence you have just crossed over into my territory. You’re in my playground now and I will not have you openly slander the name of science with the CRAPTROCITY that is escaping your mouth. This has to be the worst interpretation of the word evidence that has ever been uttered out loud. The very fabric of this statement rests on the idea that the crucifix came before humans. So by this logic, God made humans and designed humans to resemble the crucifix so that he could then have us torture and execute our own kind for thousands of years until one day he would send his own son to be tortured and executed. This is the most backwards view of causality possible. The crucifix was designed BY HUMANS in order to torture and execute HUMANS. OF COURSE IT IS SHAPED LIKE US!!! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A CIRCLE… OR A FUCKING FIGURE EIGHT!!! Your brain must a flaccid assortment of neurons in order to take that idea and turn it into the most backwards excuse for evidence on this planet.

Yours Truly,

Employee of the Month